Our Ukrainian Adoption 2010

THE RULES (ESPECIALLY FOR KIDS IN OUR NEIGHBORHOOD)

2011-04-13T16:00:00.000-07:00

There are so many things about adoption I did not know until we started this journey. Adopting an older child has it's upsides (no diapers or barf) and downsides (needing to bond with the child). The following serves to explain why and how we will be treating S in the ensuing months, so you don't think we're crazy. Please read it to your kids. (I plaguerized portions of this off another blog because I thought it was so well written ;-).

Our top priority from an adoptive standpoint will be bonding and attachment with S. This will not be an easy process for many reasons including the fact that he is an older child and has been institutionalized for about 4 years. Since he lived with his babushka from birth to 3 years, hopefully he developed the ability to bond as an infant, toddler and very young child. If so, this process will be much easier for us all. If you have parented an older adopted child, you probably understand what we are talking about . If not, you might wonder why in the world would we make a big deal over this or you may even think we are crazy (I know I might have a few years ago)! We are not asking that everyone agree with us or even understand the process we're going through, but that as our friends and family you would trust our heart, respect our decisions and support our parenting. If you would like to understand more about this, please feel free to ask us questions or for some books that can help you understand what we're embarking on.

We've shown him pictures of all the kids in the neighborhood and some of the parents. He knows a few of your names already, as well as names of his cousins, Aunts, Uncles and Grandma/Grandpa.

So, what can you expect now that we are home?

- He will be very tired (maybe for a while as he adjusts to his new life). Please greet him warmly with a hug, but do not be offended if he does not respond. He might not hug you back or even speak to you. He will be overwhelmed with emotions and might not warm up to you easily. Please respect his boundaries.

- Keep in mind that our goal is for him to bond with us as Mama and Papa...which is what his life should be centered around. Please let us do all of the care-giving (offering food, consoling, disciplining, offering choices, helping with tasks, etc.)

- Please do not give him anything he asks for without first telling him to "ask Mama or Papa" - don't ask for him. He needs to ask! This applies to food, permission, help, anything! He is learning English and can do this himself.

- Back us up. If we direct him to do/not do (or eat/not eat) something, please go along with us even if you would do things differently. When he sees you respecting our words to him, he will learn from that example.

- Please do not allow him to hang on you or cling to you. He might want to sit in your lap, hold your hand, or just lean on you, but he must learn to cling first to Mama and Papa.

- Gifts: If you have something to share with him, please give it to us first so that we can hand it to him for you...or ask him to "ask your Mama /Papa" if you can give him something. It's important that the permission always comes from us.

- While he is learning to be a part of a family and follow rules and respect our authority, he will have days he is frustrated with us. We will be the ones saying "no, you can't do that" or "I know you don't want to go to the store, but we are all going as a family." In times like these, he may turn to others outside our immediate family as a way of pushing us back. Please do not allow this. It might seem mean, but you need to push him back towards us! For his sake, he cannot bond with people outside of Mama and Papa right now.

- Bearing these things in mind, please do not ask him if he would like to go places, do things or attend events. You can ask us about these things, but do not be offended if for the next several months we don't attend much -- we will be staying home a lot! Also, he will not go anywhere without us...not until he has attached to us as his Mama and Papa. We do look forward to the day that he can attend parties and events just as other children can, but that will have to take a back seat right now.

-He is learning what it means to be part of a family, to trust and obey us as his parents, to rely on us for everything he needs (emotionally and physically), and to bond with us as his Mama and Papa.

-It is imperative that he learns to seek all permission, affection, guidance, attention, provision (for every basic need), affirmation and acceptance from us first. Only after he has truly bonded with us as his parents will he ever be able to develop healthy relationships in the future. Right now, think of him as in the "infant" stage -- he has just come home to our family. Only with him, he NEEDS to LEARN to rely completely on us just as an infant relies on his or her mother. This is not something that will be instinctual for him. Our desire is for him to develop into a healthy adult who has healthy relationships with his spouse, children, friends and family. Thank you for supporting us in this! It will help us all transition smoothly as we become a family.

CAVIAR POTATO CHIPS, MOTHER THERESA & COMING HOME!

2011-04-13T15:37:00.000-07:00

Wednesday April 13, 2011

For those of you preferring the Reader’s Digest version:

We made it! We leave Kyiv tomorrow and will be landing at SFO at 10:40 PM Thursday. We will be VERY tired (21 hours total travel time, 17 hours in flight; Kyiv à ParisàLAàSF) so please don’t show up at the airport. We’ll probably take S out this weekend for a little tour of the neighborhood if he’s up to it.

Timeline: From time dossier submitted to having him home= 6 months. Total time in Ukraine= 45 days. Our adoption was a difficult one and our time spent in Ukraine is NOT typical for our agency.

For all the details, read on….

Lana & S behind the American Embassey after recieving his visa!

Today was magical. I think someone was definitely watching over us or else all of your prayers worked!! We were in and out of the embassy in around 1 hour. Our ”interview” took place at a “teller” window. I had to raise my right hand and take an oath, then sign a bunch more papers. S was anxious to see what was going on so I had to lift him up so he could see over the counter. He knew this was a very important moment! They didn’t ask him anything, even though he had been practicing his mama, papa and brother’s names and had them all memorized :-) . We were actually interviewed by a nice guy from upstate New York. In the end, S was handed his visa by a Ukrainian worker while we were standing next to the American flag. I was so happy I started to get weepy! It was a strange, feeling somewhere between maternal and patriotic. The visa consists of one of the pages in his Ukrainian passport, which is made into a visa with his picture on it. Once we get to the U.S., I need to apply for a U.S. passport (Yes, he will have dual citizenship. At 18 he needs to decide if he wants to renounce his Ukrainian citizenship. I want him to keep dual citizenship but the only downside is if he returns to Ukraine before age 25, he’ll be drafted – they have a mandatory draft here now. So I guess the key is to not visit until after age 25). The other interesting thing I learned is he doesn’t become a U.S. citizen until his feet touch U.S. soil. We clear customs in LA so that’s where it will be official!! Scott, so sad you missed all this! Of course security is EXTREMELY high at the embassy so no cameras are allowed. You can’t even take pictures OUTSIDE on the street.

I forgot to mention two items S did bring with him from the orphanage. He is wearing two small crucifixes around his neck on leather strands, one silver and the other gold. When we were with my friend Danyar walking around the soccer stadium last week in Donetsk, I had him ask S where they came from. His reply; “Mother Theresa.” Danyar and I burst out laughing! Danyar told him, no, it must have been somebody who looked like Mother Theresa since she’s no longer with us. S got a quizzical look on his face but accepted Danyar’s explanation. Speaking of religion, I’d like to add to the saying, “There are no atheists in foxholes.” “……nor as adoptive parents.” Our journey has been so trying at times! It’s a miracle it even happened with all the road blocks that were put in our way. But we persevered and ended up with a great kid! I couldn’t help think that maybe Mother Theresa WAS looking out for us from up above!

In front of St. Sofia's with S's Ukrainian passport and U.S. visa.

After our embassy visit, I asked our driver to please give us a tour of two huge cathedrals located downtown. It’s a bummer I cannot post pictures anymore, because these cathedrals were fabulous (built around 1017). Our driver was great and narrated the whole thing for S, teaching him about all the statues, history, etc. We strolled through a park around the churches that has an amazing view of the Dnipro River which runs right through the middle of Kyiv. We stopped at a stand in the park so mama could get an espresso and we also nibbled on some caviar potato chips (weird but good!). I hope S remembers this for the rest of his life. We also went to the big area of street vendors and bought some souvenirs (Christina, I got your 2 nesting dolls!!).

Placing sunflower seeds in a bird feeder in the park.

A view of Kyiv and the Dnipro River.

I know my blog is just a tiny portion of cyberspace but if any of you reading this ever wish to adopt, or know anyone who is thinking about it, please have them contact me. There are so many deserving children here in Ukraine who have so much potential but are victims of circumstance. I’d be happy to talk to anyone needing information. I never realized how much adoption GIVES BACK to the adoptive parents, but I felt it today.

For other adoptive parents following us, I intend to update this blog every 2-3 months and give a progress report on how S is adjusting to life in America.

Be on the lookout for your invitation to brunch at our home, to meet S and to donate a pair of kids’ shoes to the orphanage in the next few months! It may take S a while to adjust so be patient (please see the next blog for more information on this).

Thanks for reading!

CAT LOVER

2011-04-12T14:17:00.000-07:00

Today was a day of smooth sailing at the doctor’s office and Embassy. We awoke at 6 am and were on the road at 6:29, headed to the train station to intercept S’s passport that was arriving from Donetsk. Then it was off to his doctor’s appointment. I found a pretend doctor’s kit at the grocery store last night so used it to explain what was going to happen today. Nothing painful, no blood tests or x-rays and I planned on declining any vaccines until we get to the U.S. We waited for about 1 ½ hours at the doctors’ office to be seen. S is so content and patient! He doesn’t get squirmy, even though I know he’s bored. He played with my cell phone games for a while, did some mazes I brought along, watched some TV, learned who the President of Ukraine is, played with a toy transistor radio I bought him, but never once complained. We had been the second group to enter the clinic and sat down in a long wooden hallway with chairs lining both sides. During the 1.5 hours we were there, the hall had become packed with people, many who had screaming children in their arms. Finally Lana knocked on one of the doors and I guess, demanded service, since we were ushered in shortly thereafter. S was weighed, measured, and a cursory exam was done by a very nice young doctor who had a great demeanor with kids. He made S laugh a few times then asked him, “Do you know your mama and papa’s names?” S said no. ( OK, we need to work on this since he needs to know this for the Embassy interview!) The doctor also asked him what his name was and he gave his original last name. (Ooops!) He was deemed healthy and we were off to the next appointment.

We arrived at the U.S. Embassy around 10:30 am. For the first time, I felt very proud to be an American in a foreign country……….. I’m usually trying to hide my identity and avoid other Americans! The line of Ukrainians trying to get some type of American visa was horrendous! It snaked out of the parking lot and down almost an entire city block. Most of the people standing in line looked like students. Our agency contact, Lana, escorted us right up to the front of the line, all eyes turned our way and we were immediately let in! The embassy is not ornate or obvious like some of other foreign embassies I’ve seen ……… probably for good reason! Security was tight and little S got his first “wanding”. I was not able to bring anything into the embassy except my paperwork. No briefcase, phone, camera, computer, purse, nothing. Not even our interpreter which was ironic since I interfaced with all Ukrainians within the embassy today. The one thing missing from the Embassy was a picture of Barak Obama???? Who can tell me why this is? The paperwork in the Embassy wasn’t bad and only took about 45 minutes. We then paid our fee for the visa ($401) and we were given an appointment for an “interview” tomorrow at 2 pm! Yippee!

I think S could sense my excitement at things finally moving along! I requested to our driver that our next stop be the Air France office, since I felt confident enough to finally buy S’s ticket to America! Things continued to go our way, as I was easily able to book the little man on my flights home and his fare wasn’t as bad as I had expected ($811, fully changeable). Ye Haw!

On the drive back we practiced with S so I’m confident he now knows his parents’ names :-) . Today he asked me twice, “Kag-da Amerika?” (When America?). I showed him the calendar and reiterated he now only has 2 days to wait! Let’s pray things continue on this course.

The rest of the day was relaxing. We walked around the open air market a bit and I bought a Ukrainian woman’s shirt that I can wear at International Day at G and S’s elementary school next year. I still can’t find a mini Ukrainian flag even though I asked everyone at the market place.

As we were walking back to the apartment, I spied a little calico cat that popped her head out from under a building. I knelt down to call her and she came walking over. She looked like death warmed over, poor girl, but she was very friendly. She was skin and bones and had stopped grooming. S reached down to gently pet her head. Cats have a certain smell when they are sick, old and circling the drain..….......this one had it. I told S, “Nyet, bo-lin.” (No, sick) and we moved on to the next building and went into our apartment. We took the elevator to the 8^th floor, went it and began putting together a “Transformer” toy I bought S for being so brave during his doctor’s visit today. We then realized we purchased the wrong size batteries for the toy so immediatley headed back out to the mini market to exchange them. We open the door and who is waiting for us?!? The poor kitty!

We had showed her an ounce of kindness so she somehow slipped into our building and ran up 8 flights of stairs. I was astounded! “OK, let’s give this kitty her last meal,” I said to S, “Ma-la-koe!” (Milk). S got so excited I think he thought I wanted him to bring the pathetic kitty inside. He ran into the hallway, scooped her up like a baby on her back, legs and tail everywhere, but she didn’t fight back or try to scratch him. She just went with it and was in our foyer in 2 seconds. S then ran to the fridge to get the milk! I couldn’t pour it fast enough for him. I’m so happy he’s a cat-lover! Unfortunately, the girl was unable to drink, although she really wanted to. She began retching so we set her up outside our door with her cup of milk and a torn t-shirt. Hopefully one of her last nights will at least be comfortable.

Tonight S requested he take a bath, or that’s what I THOUGHT he was requesting…..as I filled the tub, he kept saying “balshoy, balshoy” (bigger, bigger). OK, so I filled the tub all the way up. Then he surprised me again. It took him a few times but without me coaxing, he put his face in and blew bubbles! For a kid who was in an orphanage for 4 years and removed from his babushka’s care at age 3, I don’t know where he gets his drive to try new things! I can only think his sister taught him these types of skills, since she was probably his primary caregiver when they lived with babushka, since babushka was ill. I’m hoping somehow babushka knows how well she did for him. His sister will never be forgotten by our family for her role as well.

Spookie Nookie! (Nighty Night!)

WHAT'S IN A NAME?

2011-04-11T14:45:00.001-07:00

Monday, April 11, 2011

Apparently a lot.

We received good news today! S’s passport is ready in Donetsk and will be brought here via train to arrive tomorrow morning. We also have his doctor’s appointment tomorrow morning at 7:30 AM followed by a visit to the U.S. Embassy to begin the paperwork for his Visa. The bad news is I checked some of the paperwork I have to submit for Scott at the embassy. Since he did not make this trip with me, we had to have some paperwork signed and notarized at home before I left. The problem is, S’s name on the paperwork from Scott, lists him as S. Andrew Schork and the name on his passport (and on the court decree) lists him as Andrew S. Schork. This was a misunderstanding between us and our agency. On the first trip, we needed to come up with a name for him. We chose Andrew and thought we’d just call him Andrew S. Schork. When we got home, we realized his initials would be A.S.S.(not good). So we asked our agency if we could change it. They said yes but I guess the miscommunication was over WHEN we should have done this – it should have been BEFORE court. So you parents coming behind us, beware. Have a name handy since they’ll ask you quickly what it will be. Once you settle on the name, it cannot be changed. Therefore, I’ll be going to the embassy and doing my best groveling, begging and pleading tomorrow that they accept our paperwork as it is. Worst case, Scott would have to sign and re-notarize a few documents and FedEx them to me here in Kyiv, delaying our trip home.

Otherwise we had a good day today. It’s hard to get S out of the apartment but I eventually succeed and he’s always happy once we get to our destination. I can see a little frustration in that I cannot understand everything he says to me. He got mad at me today for a few minutes and refused to hold my hand when we were walking. Poor guy! When it really gets bad, I call my friend Natalia and she always saves the day! He’s much better after he knows what’s going on and he has a way of communicating. Today we walked down to McDonalds to have dinner. In front of the McDonalds, there was a little kiddy carnival so I let S ride 2 rides. He had a HUGE smile on his face! After we got off one of the rides, two kids approached us, a 9-year-old girl named Christina and her brother, and asked us a question. I explained to her he was my son and we were from California. Her eyes lit up! California?! We tried talking to them for quite some time so I finally called Natalia again and it turns out Christina wanted to know how much it cost to go to California. What a cutie! S played with Christina’s brother for a while, but right before he left, he got out his wallet and insisted on giving the boy one grivna (8 grivna = $1). It was precious! I’m not sure if he thinks he needs to pay off people to play with him or he’s just being a philanthropist! We waved goodbye to them and they walked toward the metro station, evidently to go home (do they come downtown all by themselves?). On the way home we stopped by a Minimarket since S told me he wanted to buy some gum. This was his first purchase with his own money and boy was he proud!

S offering strangers grivna.

S's new friends.

I’m stuck using this lame Wi-Fi stick, I don’t have the speed to publish pictures on the blog anymore, or check email efficiently, but will try to do both if I can find a cyber café tomorrow.

Das-vi-dan-ya! (Goodbye)

NO ACTION IN KYIV

2011-04-10T14:38:00.000-07:00

Sunday April 10, 2011

The train ride to Kyiv last night was warm, cozy and comfortable. S and I read and watched The Incredibles on the computer (for the 18^th time), then decided to let the train rock us to sleep. I thought I’ve been doing a good job of keeping him abreast of our next steps. I show him the calendar everyday and try and explain what will happen the next day, when we will see the doctor, etc. I guess I haven’t been doing such a good job since right before he went to bed, he kept asking me a question I couldn’t understand. I felt bad for the little guy so I called S’s new English teacher, Natalia, back in Saratoga. She was a Godsend! I’m not sure what she said to him, but she put him at ease since he immediately got a big smile on his face and then went right to sleep!

S puts on his backpack at the train station in Donetsk.

Doing some work on the train.

He absolutely LOVES the backpack I brought for him and his wallet. I give him grivna every now and then. He loves copying my actions when I go to the bank to exchange money and carrying the grivna around. Yesterday, our driver took us to the train station and dropped us of in our cabin. Before he left, I handed him a letter thanking him (written in Russian by Natalia – thank you!) along with a tip. S immediately got his wallet out, reached in and handed our driver 1 grivna (there are 8 grivnas in $1). It was so cute! Our driver held the grivna to his heart and cocked his head and said “Pa-jal-sta!” (thank you). Every time I go to a bank to exchange money, S is right there with his wallet out, thinking he’ll get some too! He has no interest in American money or Euros since I’ve tried to offer those and explain that grivnas don’t work everywhere. He’ll learn.

Since he loves mimicking me, I told him I was going to take a shower this afternoon. He was watching a video (how much ya want to bet it was Tom & Jerry or The Incredibles?). After I got out, he ran to me shouting “Ducha, ducha !” and pulling off his socks and shirt. Boy was this a shower! I was soooooooo pleased! He washed his hair no less than 4 times, using my shampoo, the Johnson’s Baby shampoo, a shampoo that was in the bathroom and the bar soap on the sink! Then he washed his body all by himself, then he asked me to scrub his back!!! (I’m not kidding!) I thought bathing would be the hardest thing! It was a bit hard to get him to use warm water but he finally got used to it!

S counting his grivna in the backseat.

My friend and adoptive mother Karla, has been a great coach, getting me up to speed on toileting habits at some orphanages. Let’s just say at home I plan to hand a huge sign over his toilet that says “flush” in Russian and English! Also, there is sometimes no TP in orphanages…………go figure. We’re working on it!

Today we stayed in our new apartment here in Kyiv since the weather was quite variable. It started off sunny when we left for our grocery store run, then rained then SNOWED! We played tag in a playground on the way home. S really never wants to leave this apartment. I don’t know if it’s because the he didn’t get out much over the winter in the orphanage or if he’s just astounded by all the toys/DVDs/I-pod/junk I brought and wants to play with it.

Walking to our flat in Kyiv.

View from our flat.

My washing machine. Don't forget the "Tide Sinkfuls"!!

My dryer. Don't forget your clothesline like I did!

My kitchen and (Harry Potter) broom.

A playground near our flat (note sleeping dog).

There's nothing better than Ukrainian bread and real butter!

Unfortunately, since his Ukrainian passport is still not ready in Donetsk, we can’t begin much of the paperwork here. We copied some documents today that we need for the Embassy appts. But that ‘s about it. Tomorrow we have no plans except for walking down to a local mall to check it out.

S and I Skyped with G and Scott tonight! S really liked it and was yammering on in Russian to them. I’m beginning to really miss G (way to go G, winning that baseball game!). I also got to see and talk to the dogs – do you think they heard me? Hopefully we’ll be back home soon!

I’m connecting to the internet with a WiFi stick which sucks so I may not be blogging much, unless I find a wireless café. Take care!!

BUDGET IMPASSE MAY LENGTHEN TRIP

2011-04-08T19:51:00.000-07:00

Donetsk's soccer stadium. Those are moveable "sun lamps" behind us to help the grass grow on the field. The ground is also heated since this stadium is open (and it gets VERY cold here!).

Friday April 8, 2011

Today S and I found out we would be returning to Kyiv tomorrow on the overnight train. Reason being, we have not yet received his passport here in Donetsk so our agency feels it doesn’t make sense to wait any longer when we can begin some of the paperwork/medical exam in Kyiv. Hopefully his passport will be available Monday and can be sent to me in Kyiv. Our agency does a stellar job of keeping up with Ukrainian and U.S. politics affecting adoptions, so their advice is to try and get things moving on his visa before there is a shutdown at the U.S. Embassy in Kyiv due to the budget gridlock back home. Hopefully the House and Senate will be locked in a room together, without toilets, food or water (or pay) until they come to an agreement!!!!! We will sure miss Donetsk though! It’s a much smaller, friendlier city than Kyiv, I know my way around and we’re right downtown, close to everything. Between my knowledge of key words, Google translate, my pocket phrase book and my ability to read Cyrillic, everything is easier this time! For you parents coming after us, learning some Russian, reading Cyrillic and being able to write your and your child's name in Cyrillic, will really add fun to your trip! Thanks to friend and fellow adoption blogger, Richard (http://adoption.lecour.us/201004/basics-of-reading-russian-933.html ),who has a GREAT crash course in Cyrillic, I’ve learned a lot and also have insights into how hard it will be for little man to learn English. The Russian alphabet has letters and sounds we don’t have. One letter looks like a squished bug and also sounds like one (it’s the “zh” sound as in the end of "massage"). They don’t have the “ch” or “th” sound. Our letter “R” is a “P” in Cyrillic. Our “V”s are “B”s, there’s a letter than resembles a lambda, there’s the upside down Pi sign…..…the list goes on. Remembering your Greek alphabet will help. The game S and I play now is I try and sound out Russian words, completely massacring them. He laughs, then tells me the “correct” pronunciation. When I’m able to pronounce the word correctly, and I can actually understand the sounds coming out of my mouth, I do a victory dance and S thinks I’m a loon! It’s sort of fun, like deciphering little puzzles.

Today was an exciting day for little man. During our last trip, I met a student (Daniyar) who is studying at a University here. He and his family are refugees from Kazakhstan (he’s married with a 6-year-old girl). He speaks English (along with 4 other languages) so did some translating for us and took Scott and I on a wonderful sightseeing tour of Donetsk during our last trip. Today I asked him if he’d take S and I over to the soccer stadium in Donetsk for a tour. I told S about it yesterday, to try and get him ready and give him a feeling of control over his situation. He told me he was excited to go but I really didn’t know HOW excited he’d get. To put it mildly, HE WAS IN HEAVEN!!!

The local team here in Donetsk is called Waxtep Shaktar. “Shaktar” means “miner” in Russian, as mining is the big industry here. The team dates back to 1916 and Ukrainians are VERY proud of Shaktar! (Even though everyone in town was bummed since they lost to Barcelona last night : - ( ) . It’s a strange juxtaposition: the average household income is only $3,000 per year (yes, in U.S. dollars!),yet the town has a stadium that makes Candlestick Park look like a high school. There is a very rich man here in Donetsk who funded this entire thing……and it’s impressive.

When we arrived, we first went in the gift store and I had Daniyar tell S he could get something, as long as it wasn’t too expensive. This is a SWANK gift store, mind you! Nike makes everything and it’s just as expensive as the Giant’s Dugout at PacBell Park! Poor little S was again overwhelmed (but smiling), walking through the aisles of everything from Shaktar underwear to stuffed animals to coffee mugs. He didn't know what he wanted. Daniyar did a great job with him, helping him try on some clothing in the kid’s section. He finally chose a hat that fit him and a jersey that he’ll have to grow into. I bought two handkerchiefs for our dogs. I told S he can put them on Gracie and Jamani – this will undoubtedly help him bond with our pooches. We then walked from the gift shop into the museum which are both inside the stadium. The lobby of the museum was overflowing with kids around S’s age, obviously on a field trip. I was happy I had S here, since I need to make up for all the childhood he’s missed. Since he has only gone to school in the orphanage, I'm sure there were not many field trips like this. The manager of the place remembered Scott and I from our last visit, when Daniyar had taken us here before. He was excited to meet little S since we had talked about him last time. He shared with me that he believes adoption is a great thing (not a feeling shared by all Ukrainians, especially when it is AMERICANS doing the adopting). He went on to share that the team’s goalie had just adopted a child! I had read about this in light of the Ukrainian government trying to thwart the stigma that surrounds adoption by Ukrainians. Anyway, we ended up getting a private tour and little S was let in for free! (Hey, I only play the “orphan card” when appropriate!). Little man was beaming the entire time! I’ve also learned he’s kind of shy with other people and stayed very close to me during the tour.

Artificial turf around the sides, real grass on the field.

Daniyar doing a mock interview with the great footballer in front of the "media wall."

A luxury skybox.

S and the President of Shaktar.

In the locker room!!

Locker room.

They had humongous jacuzzis in the locker room (behind S).

The "cleat washing" station for between halves.

The "bench," fully equipped with seat warmers! Our guide was quick to tell us Chelsea (the popular soccer team in England) only has a wooden bench.

Our guide actually let us walk onto the field! We got special treatment!

Tunnel the players run through when entering the field.

This was an interactive soccer game projected onto the floor (shouldn't have used my flash!). We played until we got kicked off!

The cool (intentional) graffetti inside the stadium (F.C.S.D.= Football Club Shaktar Donetsk).

THE MUSEUM:

A "fog screen" on which a movie was projected. S was leary when our guide asked us to walk through the screen. But once he did it, he couldn't get enough!

Outside stadium. This ball looks like it's floating/spinning on water.

There is a huge park surrounding the stadium with some WWII tanks on display. Like our son G, S is ALL boy and ran to these tanks and started climbing them!

A monument to Ukrainians who lost there lives fighting the Germans during WWII on this site. All their names are listed.

Tonight we watched a little of “Stargate” on TV, dubbed in Russian. The good news is the dubbing is terrible; they talk over, and a little behind, the soundtrack so if you listen “under” you can hear the English. He really liked the show (especially the “moon-stars”/monsters)! I put little man to bed around 8. He, of course, didn’t want to go. He finally went, begrudgingly, hugging a new stuffed tiger I let him pick out at the grocery store today. He wandered into the kitchen about 15 minutes later, and asked if he could help me do the dishes! What a cutie! I sent him back to bed so I could begin this blog.

Tomorrow we leave on the train at 6 pm so I will miss a day of blogging. In the meantime, please pray for us that things continue to go smoothly (also pray for those morons in the House and Senate!).

IT'S THE LITTLE THINGS.........

2011-04-07T15:22:00.000-07:00

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Today was fairly uneventful. It started out sunny then began to rain so S and I stayed inside most of the day. He doesn’t seem to want to go out much, as he’s enthralled by all the toys I brought and watching the The Incredibles and Tom & Jerry (over and over and…..). I gave him a wallet and put some grivna in it. He loves having something of his own and insists on sleeping with the wallet. He tried to give some of his grivna to our driver who stopped by tonight to drop off a new cell phone for me. He’s also in love with a small flashlight I brought so we open the lock of our flat at night. He also had never been in an elevator before riding the one that takes us up to the 6^th floor of this building.

Today I let him stay in most of the day but insisted we go out for a short walk to get some exercise. We walked down to my favorite candy store located a few blocks from our flat near a bunch of street food vendors. They sell candy, cookies and fruit. You’re immediately enveloped by sweet aromas when you walk into the tiny shop and all the goodies are displayed in large piles, just like fruit at a farmer’s market. I bought some “cow candies” for Gavin (his favorite!) then asked S what he wanted. He just stood still, then looked at me. Then he looked away. I thought, “Is he mad I made him go for a walk?” Then it hit me. He was befuddled by too many choices. It was simply overwhelming! I then pointed to three types of candy and said, “Eta, eta, eley eta?” (This one, this one or this one?”). He was then able to choose one candy – the Lion bar. Everyday I try and have him make more and more decisions on his own. I must remember this is a completely new thing for him.

Tonight he took a shower for me and washed his hair. I had to ask a few times but the bath crayons and waterproof Nemo book I brought finally did the trick. He proceeded to write his name on the shower walls with the crayons. He then let me clip his fingernails and clean his ears with Q-tips (as long as I let him watch Stich & Lilo again). I even introduced him to dental floss tonight!

Tomorrow we’ll need to do another grocery run since this kid’s eating me out of house and home! For breakfast he had oatmeal, an entire banana, juice, bread, and an egg! I need to be careful of hording/overeating which is common in kids adopted from orphanages. Tonight at dinner, after eating his own dinner, he asked if he could have one of my rolls. I said sure. After that he was complaining of a stomach ache…poor little guy’s stomach is getting stretched like it’s never been before! He was fine in 30 minutes. He weighed 42 lbs when he left the orphanage. It will be interesting to see how much he weighs in a few months : - ) .

Little man's lunchtime feast.

THESE ARE IMAGES FROM OUR LAST TRIP:

These are two of my favorte girls in S's wing. The kitten she is holding was born to a mama cat that lives at the orphanage. The kids take great care of the kittens! There are far fewer girls than boys for adoption worldwide. There were ony 3 in S's entire wing of about 15 kids. This is because people who adopt usually want girls over boys....especially older boys.

Scott and S played soccer in the orphanage non-stop.

I asked some of S's friends to pose in front of their self-portraits and this is what they did. We spent around 30 days total visiting S in the orphanage and getting to know his friends. These 3 boys were sort of shy at first but warmed up to us. Their beautiful manners and brains blew away any preconceived notions I had of "orphans". Unfortunately, 2 of these boys are identical twins (center and right). This means they cannot be separated and must be adopted together. This puts their chance of ever being adopted extremely low since there is only a 20% chance of a single boy over the age of 5 being adopted in Ukraine. This is because most people who adopt want infants. In the past, 70% of boys released from orphanages ended up in a life of crime. The Ukrainian government now has a program in place to support these orphans until age 23 to try and curb this statistic.

HOMETOWN AND VISIT WITH SISTER

2011-04-06T19:01:00.000-07:00

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Among the gifts I brought, was a birthday present for S's sister. As you recall, she always backed our adoption selflessly and without reservation. Even when this adoption was denied during our first trip, on the grounds we could not separate S and his sister (who were both in the orphanage system at that time), she stated she did not have the means to care for S when she got out anyway, and that we should take him. Then after she turned 18 (two weeks ago, during our second trip) and was not considered "in the orphanage system" anymore, she again testified in court on our behalf, against her mother, that S was better off with us. I was astonished by her poise, conviction and ethics, especially given her home situation and that she has no family (except S). Scott and I wanted to give her a birthday gift, but were unable to during the last trip. So today S and I ventured to her home. She's out of the orphanage now but still is under the care of a "trade school" for older orphans, located in the town where S was born.

S and his beautiful sister after our court hearing during our last trip. In front of the courthouse.

After driving for about 50 minutes through agricultural areas, we arrived in a small, bleak town. I asked Lana what the major industry was here; was it mining as is common in this region? Not mining, but she didn't know what it was. We passed a huge old grainery that was closed down. Maybe this was a wheat harvesting area in its heyday? We drove through the "downtown" with a few small shops and restaurants and I noticed the open air market which was a series of metal sheds facing eachother along the side of the main road. S seemed uninterested. Someday I'm sure he'll want to see pictures though.

This town's open-air market.

City workers sweep away winter's dirt.

Our driver had to ask directions twice, but we finally found the trade school. We were led inside by Lana and up a large staircase. The walls were adorned with murals that reminded me of the 1940-Diego Rivera-style-stern-proletariat look of proud faces sporting chiseled jaws and work caps. Upstairs, we were warmly greeted by the sister and her social worker. I have grown to love her social worker! He's a gregarious, friendly guy in his 50's with salt and pepper hair who genuinely cares about the kids he oversees. He's always making jokes, quizzing me about American politics, our taxation system or sharing insightful facts about the Ukraine I need to know for S's sake. He always wears the same tall, Russian fur hat and black overcoat each time I've seen him. Today was no different. He strides in and gives me a hardy, sincere handshake. He was followed by S's sister who presented a gift bag to me and S! This kid has no money for gifts! What is she doing? We exchanged hugs and S and his sister sat down next to eachother, holding hands. In my gift bag was a tall vase and S received a stuffed bear and bon voyage card. There were two other women in the room, one of whom was the sister's teacher. The teacher was beaming when she talked about the sister,praising her exemplary study habits. She told us she has finsihed a 2-year trade school that taught painting/wall paper/interior design (from what I understood). I asked again, if she is interested in ever attending University. The answer was no, that she now wanted to be a dentist. "Wow," I thought to myself. No, uh, I misunderstood. She is going into a program where she makes teeth, like the real-looking type they use for crowns. I tell them that is lucrative business in the U.S., based on what my dentist charges!

In front of trade school.

Sister, her social worker and S.

The staff was obviously very pleased to have me here. Lana translated that it's quite an anomoly having an American here. Adoptive parents usually never visit the trade schools. They told me it's also unusual for Americans to adopt from S's particular orphanage. It's usually Italians who tend to adopt from this orphanage, they said. I told them I'm very pleased to be here and am impressed at how beautiful their school is on the inside (it is very impressive given the look of the rest of the town). They said thanks but tell me that they have suffered hard economic times and are losing teachers and staff since pay for these positions is not competitive.

I handed a torquoise box to the sister and motioned for her to unwrap it. This was the first of three gifts to her. Inside was a "friendship ring" comprised of two separate silver rings with intertwined hearts. One of them is engraved with the following:
"Friends are family we chose for ourselves."

Natalia, my AWESOME Russian coach and S's soon-to-be English teacher, translated the saying into Russian and wrote it on the small card the rings were attached to. After I had sister read it, I took the rings off the card, put one on, then handed the other to her. I said, "Now you HAVE to come visit since the rings need to be back together again!" She smiled and giggled! I hope she gets the message she CAN still have a family someday. She is one of the most deserving people I know.

Our second gift was a small photo book. Since S's sister is kind of shy, I made a photo album for her, depicting our home, lifestyle, pictures of what we do for recreation, etc., with the hope of making her feel more comfortable about coming to visit us. She was very interested when I showed her the picture of our guest room, where she will stay if she comes. Everyone was extremely interested in seeing the pictures and insisted we pass it around and explain each picture.

Lana then announced the third gift; Scott and I would like to buy S's sister a computer, to help her in school and so that she and S can Skype and email each other. Everyone in the room was flabergasted! Lana translated that the director himself does not even have a laptop. Nobody can afford things like that here! This is huge! Again, I feltl a little embarrasssed but know it's the right thing to do for this young girl. Having a computer could be a huge advantage in a situation like hers. If she DOES decide to go to University someday, she absolutely needs one.

Before we left for the computer store, I was given a quick tour of the school and we took some pictures. One of the staff handed S a big box of Ukrainian chocolates and again, bid me congratulations on our adoption! Then we were off!

We had to drive about 30 minutes to a store in a mini-mall that carried computers. After carefully discussing the merits of different brands, speed, memory, and chip manufacturer, we all finally decided on an Acer laptop. I could finally see the excitement building on this girl's face! She had been so shy in the past with me, I'm happy she was finally becoming more comfortable. We asked sister to pick out a case and then had to go to another store to buy a modem and some other attachments for the internet. We were told by her social worker that there is someone locally who will help her hook everything up and give her a quick lesson on the computer and Skyping. She'll be up and running by next week and will have free internet access at the trade school. YAY!! I wish Scott had been here for this moment. It was spectacular! (plus it's his hard-earned money!)

MOM IN SHOCK!

2011-04-06T16:30:00.000-07:00

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Wow, having a second child IS really different. Lana stayed with us in the flat last night but she's leaving this afternoon to go help another family in a different region. I'll be alone with S after that and don't know if I can handle it, based on his behavior...it's all new to me: This morning he cleaned up his plate after breakfast, even tried to wash his spoon with his hand and put it back in the drawer! Then he obediently brushed his teeth, then MADE THE BED (Gavin, are you reading this?). He then noticed his jacket had fallen off it's hook by the door so climbed onto a small bench to hang it back up (Gavin!......). Oh, did I mention he insisted on helping me put away the groceries last night? The pasta ended up in the fridge but it was the thought that counts. What a great kid!!

I'm sure he'll be lazing on the sofa soon, watching the Disney Channel and ordering me to make him a smoothie (Gav, don't get any ideas now).

(LOL! ;-) ).

The king takes a much needed rest and watches Tom & Jerry in bed! (Great call on the DVDs Scott!! He LOVES Tom & Jerry!)

This morning my alarm went off on my cell at 7 but I , of course, hit snooze. About a half hour later, I just woke up. Upon opening my eyes, I saw S about 5 inches from my face staring at me. Just as Scott and I used to stare at Gavin when we first brought him home form the hospital, S was staring at his new mama, trying to figure me out. I said "priv-yet" (hi). Then I saw he had my cell phone in his hand and was playing Brick Breaker on it. Little rascal! I would have never awoke! He and Gavin will be two peas in a pod!

We had scrambled eggs and fruit salad for breakfast, which he devoured. He got very excited when I offered him bread. He wanted lots of butter on it. Lana said the kids don't get things the way they want them in the orphanage so having butter on his bread is special.

I asked him to get dressed. He immediately got the clothes he was wearing yesterday, including underwear and socks. I told him, "No, dirty" and showed him the laundry bag. "Mama wash," I said. At the orphanage, kids are showered and clothes are washed once a week. I gave him some clean clothes which he was elated to put on.

Next, our driver will pick us up at 9 AM for our big visit with S's sister!

GOT’CHA DAY!

2011-04-06T15:59:00.000-07:00

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Wow, this trip came about fast! I left last weekend and I arrived safely in Kyiv after a 14 hour flight. I always feel like I’m at the center of an espionage novel on these trips:

Upon arrival in Kyiv, I was picked up by a driver who tells me “No speak” and hands me a cell phone. I hear my agency contact reciting these instructions; “Take the 7 pm overnight train to Dontetsk. You will be met and taken to an apartment downtown where you will receive more instructions.” Will do. I’m hustled through a crowded train station that looks like a miniature version of Grand Central. I exchange some dollars for Grivna (Ukrainian currency), pay the driver for my ticket and barely make the train. I collapse into the seat, happy I can now sleep for 12 hours!

Upon arrival in Donetsk the next morning, I’m greeted by a familiar and friendly face. It’s our usual driver in Donetsk! I’m taken to an apartment where I meet another friend, Lana, the agency contact who helped us during our last trip.

Lana repeats information I already know; “S”’s mother has been visiting the orphanage and her latest visit was yesterday. She was let in once to see S that I know of but was refused the other time(s). I ask, “Is she visiting to say goodbye or to cause trouble?” “To cause trouble” is the answer. The plan therefore, is to get our paperwork done ASAP this morning, then grab little “S” and be gone before more agony befalls all parties involved. The outcome I pray for is that someday, mom will change and little “S” can meet her as a new person. Maybe this event will be the catalyst. Scott and I have decided when he’s 18 he’ll be offered the option of meeting her, but unfortunately no sooner.

We’re off and running by 8 AM. Today I learned the major paperwork really begins AFTER the court hearing. First we drove to the town “S”’s orphanage is in to receive the court decree awarding S to us. At this point a new birth certificate is issued, naming Scott and I as parents and changing S’s name. There was a glitch in this part of the paperwork but it only caused an iota of panic since Lana deftly took care of the problem before it delayed us much. Collecting all the paperwork, S’ orphanage file, getting everything notarized, copied, etc. took about 6 hours. Some of these items are actually sewn together with thread over which a stamp and an official seal is placed, proving that the document is an original. We then went and picked up the Inspector who handled our case from the local Adoption Commission and FINALLY we were ready to go to the orphanage!!

I was excited but also nervous as we drove up. After our delays, I really didn’t believe this day was finally here. Also, I admit I was a bit paranoid mom may be lurking around. I clammered through the front doors, dragging my four large gift bags of presents for the orphanage staff as well as a large bag of goodies for the kids in S’ wing. I had to bring 3 suitcases this time to carry everything! (I’m sure my driver thinks I’m a high-maintenance American Princess!). As I entered the administration office I was greeted by smiling, familiar faces and my stress melted away. The warmth exuded from everybody at this orphanage was remarkable. You could feel it as you entered the room. I was asked to sign more official documents in the presence of the orphanage Assistant Directors, then it was time! The little man came walking through the door of the Asst. Director’s office wearing a big smile and I gave him a HUGE hug! I told him how much we missed him, and how much we love him. I had Lana explain to him why we never came back to say goodbye after our last trip (since our court hearing went so long, we could not say goodbye to him and almost missed our train). I made sure he understood it would NEVER happen again! Mama & Papa would NEVER leave his side! Ever.

I could tell he was rarin’ to get out of dodge! Of course all the orphanage personnel wanted to give him a big hug and wish him well. They asked that we please send pictures.

We were then led into a room where I was to change his clothes. They don’t want the kids to leave with any clothes (even underwear and socks - as these are much needed items here). S quickly put on the clothes I brought for him and looked like a real gentleman in his khakis and sweater with rugby shirt underneath! I forgot the shoes though, and apologized profusely. They let me take his shoes so I promised I will send them some shoes. (OK all of you reading this…”Welcome S” brunch at our place in a few weeks and cost of entry is a pair of kids shoes!) After changing the clothes, I said “Do you want to say goodbye to your friends?” S looked at me like “Mom, do I HAVE TO?” I could tell he just wanted to LEAVE at this point, but we made the pilgrimage over to his building. There we found the usual cast of characters, all of which I would easily adopt if Scott would let me……..even Pasha who will one day grow up to be a used car salesman! The kids went crazy as usual, digging into my bag trying to see what I brought for them. I know S was frustrated. He thought the Sidewalk Chalk and Twister game I brought for the kids belonged to him. He knew he would finally have something of his own in life and that life began NOW. He tried to grab back the pieces of Sidewalk Chalk the kids were taking. I assured him we have all of this and more at home and it ALL will belong to him. He was OK after that but you can tell by the pictures, he just wanted to leave.

Bunny ears in the $1 bin at Target were a big hit!

Sitting on S's bed.

Pasha in front (of course!!)

S's teacher, Inna, who taught him French & English.

Lastly, I asked, “Does he have anything to take?”

“Nyet.” Answered one of the caretakers. Just then one of his friends came running up with this stuffed teddy bear adorned with zebra stripes. When you squeeze the hand it says something in Russian. S clutched it tightly to his chest.

“He can take that,” lovingly said one of the caregivers. I could tell it meant a lot to him, to have at least something secure to hold on to as he boldly ventured out into the big world. After a few more pictures, we left. As we walked away from the building one last time, I looked up and saw all his bunkmates waving out his old window. This was the saddest part for me. What would happen to these adorable kids?

See upper left window.

We got in the car and it rumbled out of the forever empty parking lot, through the large, green iron gates of the orphanage. Some of the older boys were (control) burning weeds along the sides of the road that runs through an orchard next to the orphanage, before it hits the main highway. They waved to us. S did not wave back but just kept his eyes on the road ahead. I think he knew a wonderful adventure awaits him!

For the next 30 minutes, we drove through fallow wheat fields that go on as far as the eye can see until they touch the drab, gray horizon. I sat close to S in the back seat with my arm around him, somewhat scared since there are no seat belts in these small cars here. Plus these drivers LOVE passing large trucks on these two lane roads. I transliterated portions of a “Highlights” magazine and S enjoyed looking at it and solved a few of its puzzles.

Hey Sasha, recognize your jacket??

Finally we reached the outskirts of Donetsk with it’s stores, people and noisy trollys. S seemed happy and alive! He would point out billboards to me and smile. He also commented on the number of pigeons here. I told everyone in the car we’ll go feed them McDonalds later. Their retort: “They’ll never eat that stuff! Feed them some good Ukrainian bread instead.” Ha! They’re right!

Our next stop was a small photo studio where S sat obediently for his passport photo. Then it was off to the passport office where we did more paperwork. I let S play with the I-pod and he remembered the password from our last visit. Our last stop was the grocery store so I could stock up while we wait for the passport (we expect to wait one week). I bought a bottle of champagne to celebrate since Lana agreed to have a glass with me. I’m so happy I have someone to celebrate with! Too bad Scott could not attend this trip – it’s the big payoff for all the hard work he’s done on this adoption.

Back at the flat, it was already 7:30. We were beat so we decided to go out for dinner. Lana knew of a Russian-Ukrainian restaurant close by so we briskly walked over and sat down. Here is where I began to learn of S’s eating habits. He prefers to drink Russian black tea (called “chai”) with dinner (and breakfast). We ordered some for him, but it was served with these curious, white cubes. What could they be? S had never seen them before! I picked one up and motioned for him to lick it. Once he did, it was all over. Plop, plop, plop. Three sugar cubes immediately proceeded to go into his tea! This kid loves sugar maybe more than Gavin (is that possible?!). I need to begin calcium-loading this child so we may need to wean him off the tea a bit once we get home! At this point in his development, Vitamin D milk will benefit him more than tea, but that’s what’s common here.

S wolfed down his food as usual while Lana and I celebrated with a glass of red wine from the Crimean region of Ukraine. It was good! We both agreed we’d pass out if we even had a sip of the champagne so I’ll save it for later!!

After dinner we let S order his own celebratory dessert – he wanted a “torte” (cake, chocolate of course. I KNEW there was a genetic link between me and this kid!). We all clicked our glasses as Lana toasted me and I toasted her back. Then S toasted to something - we really didn’t understand what – but it didn’t matter. He was finally with his family!

Got’cha Day ended well! We intend to celebrate this day (the day we got him) for the next few years, hopefully longer if S wants to!

Our precious S going to bed with new (bunny) and old (zebra) stuffed animals.

MOM SHOWS UP AT COURT

2011-03-26T06:31:00.000-07:00

Thursday March 24 - Friday March 25

Thursday was like any other day here. We ritualistically got up, drove to the orphanage, played with “S” for a few hours, were driven back, had lunch then went shopping at our favorite toy store for the next day’s treats. We also were taken on a tour of the city by a nice student we met at the local university. He’s studying here from Kyrgyzstan and insisted on taking us to the huge local soccer stadium once he heard that Scott plays soccer. It houses a very high tech museum and was very impressive since we don’t have soccer stadiums in the U.S.

Home of Doneskt's team, "Shaktar" (the miners).

Friday morning we hadn’t heard anything so we were anticipating a smooth court hearing that afternoon when we received a call from our agency . Evidently “S”’s mother showed up at the local adoption administration yesterday asking for her son. She was told that her rights had been revoked by the court back in 2007 but that she was allowed to make an appearance at court on Friday! We were assured by our agency that all should work in our favor but there are never any guarantees. Our agency also suggested possibly asking the judge to waive the 10 day waiting period, if the case is decided in our favor, so we could leave immediately. All of this news sent a chill up my spine – I certainly didn’t want to lose little “S”. But I also didn’t want to tear a family apart. I kept repeating in my head what a former Ukrainian D.A. (who now lives in the U.S.) told me about mother’s rights here. She said they are ONLY taken in extreme circumstances and the moms are given multiple times to “get it right” and properly care for their children.

So that morning we went to see little “S” and told him only Mama & Papa would go to the court today but we would be back to see him later. We found him along with all the other kids in his wing with their teacher, having a reading lesson in one of the playrooms (I LOVE his teacher! The kids are on holiday this week but she’s still having them read ;-) We were quickly bombarded with kids, laughing at our terrible pronunciations of Russian words and trying to carry our bags for us. We got to see each child’s self portrait which were taped to a wall – I tried to take a picture of each child next to their drawing, which I will print and bring back on my next trip. We brought Hot Wheel cars, a helicopter toy and other boy stuff, but this time I also brought two “Little Kitty” bracelet/ring sets for the two darling girls in “S”’s wing. I love these little sweeties! When “S” saw what I had and I told him who they were for, he took them from me and insisted on giving them to each of the girls. This kid’s sense of generosity is endless! After a while, we decided to play with “S” alone in another playroom where we could pay more attention to just him and reiterate to him again how much we want him to be part of our family and love him. Our cell rang about an hour later and we were off to court with our agency contact/interpreter.

We arrived in the courthouse just as they were leading the case before us into the court room. I’m sure the small holding cage made of rebar on the side of the room was used for this case; they led the defendant in, handcuffed and accompanied by 2 very loud German Shepherds. His case was open and shut in about 15 minutes……..we were next. Upon entering the court room waiting area, I saw a woman sitting on one of the benches accompanied by two young men. Could this be the mom? After about 5 minutes, a single woman came in and sat down near our group. Maybe this was her? Yes, this was her because the inspector from the administration went over to talk to her. She was a petite woman, mid-thirties, wearing skin tight jeans, black and purple tennis shoes, an older blue parka and a knit cap. Black curls snuck out from under her cap. She had piercing, ice-blue eyes, just like her daughter and same dainty facial features of “S” and his sister. She was wearing heavy, pink, frosted lipstick and had some teeth missing in the front of her mouth. She sat completely silent with a steely gaze, even though I tried a few times to make eye contact with her. Meanwhile, one of the jurors (the same two kind women as last time) had brought a snail with her in her purse! It was carefully wrapped in a little plastic container within a plastic bag. She told us she had an aquarium at home and that she had also brought a magnifying glass along too. She had brought these things for “S”, thinking he would be here today and might want to look at it while we waited. I told her I thought it was very thoughtful and that either “S”, or my son Gavin, would have loved looking at the snail! We were all laughing about the snail when our case was called. We filed into the tiny courtroom, same cast as last time; the prosecutor, the two nice jury ladies, the orphanage representative, our translator/agency contact and the inspector from the local administration. Once again the judge had us confirm our paperwork and who we were. She then asked, “May S’s mother come in and make a statement?” “Da”, we said, “of course.” In came S’s mom and sat down in the row behind us. The judge asked her to take the stand and tell the court why she is here. My heart was racing and my stomach being pulled upside down at this point. What is she going to say? What CAN she say?

Her voice belied her petite frame; it was harsh, low and coarse. She was very controlled in her speech and seemed confident, with hands held behind her back as she spoke. This was a hardened woman; tough on the outside and in. It was difficult for me to get a read on her since she rarely made eye contact and I could not assess her speech pattern, grammar, etc. since all this was being interpreted to me. She basically stated she wanted S back and that she, the sister and S would live as a family. The judge then began her questioning; where will you live? (She lives with a boyfriend right now), where is S’s dad? (She doesn’t know, he was just a friend), you were in prison for 2 years for stealing and were released in 2007, why haven’t you gotten a job since then? (She said she cleans floors sometime but is paid under the table), on Monday your daughter told the court you drink a lot and don’t even look for a job, is this true? (Mom’s response; no, my daughter is a bad girl!). The judge and jury then went on to question her on other things like why she NEVER visited S once in the orphanage, why she is just coming to court NOW, even though she was advised of this back in December? (She had no answer). It was revealed in court that S, his sister, his mom and grandma (babushka) had always lived together (except for the 2 years mom was in prison). Mom’s rights were taken in 2007 and babushka was given rights to the children. When babushka got sick in 2009, court records show she came to the court crying, and stating she could no longer care for the kids due to her health. She was obviously very worried and wanted assurances her grandkids would be OK being turned over to the orphanage. The orphanage representative told us S cried a lot that day. Babushka subsequently passed away. I would like to find her grave someday and pay due respect to this caring woman. “Why didn’t you come forward at that point,” asked the judge, "and ask for your kids back?” ("Because it was easier to leave them in the orphanage," she replied). Our interpreter said some of her testimony didn’t make sense and parts of it were outright lies. Halfway through the hearing, the judge stated it is unlawful to lie in court. At times, I saw the two jury ladies shake their heads and snicker to themselves at some of her answers. At one point she said she had wanted to take the kids from babushka but they were off at summer camp (our interpreter said this is a bald faced lie since there is no way she could have afforded summer camp). The judge sighed at times, and shook her head, also seemingly frustrated with her testimony.

After this, the judge went on to read our ENTIRE home study (it took 2 hours). We think she did this for the benefit of the mother to allow her to learn about us and what we can provide S. The prosecutor had all but given up, and had no questions for us. Instead she had created an entire page of detailed doodles in her notepad over the last few hours.

The judge then asked us a question we were not prepared for. “Would you like to say anything to the mother?” We were caught off guard, so I said exactly how I felt and also tried to be objective. “We certainly are not here to rip families apart,” I began, “but I do believe, given the circumstances, we can provide a better home for S. We love him very much and will provide him with things like a college education. We would be happy to send pictures to her.” I felt so awkward. There was so much more to say, but I tried to keep it short and sweet as we had been advised to do. In hindsight, I wish I would have said more about how we really love this little boy, his personality, how famously he gets along with our son, etc. I turned and looked at the mom, but she again averted her gaze.

Finally, the judge stated she would retire to her chambers to deliberate with the two jury ladies. We all sat in silence in the court room, mom sitting motionless, just a few feet behind us, staring straight ahead and not showing any emotion.

After about 20 minutes, the judge reappeared and ruled in our favor! Even the prosecutor was supportive of us! Our translator hugged me and let out a small “yay!” with a big smile. I hugged her back but felt it was not kosher to show too much emotion. It was actually a very bittersweet moment for us. The judge then said there WOULD be a 10 day appeal period during which time anyone could appeal her decision. Court adjourned. It was 5 pm.

I quickly turned and made eye contact with the mom. I wanted to give her some final assurance her son would be in good hands. But she simply turned, walked out the door and was gone.

During the train ride that night to Kyiv, I asked our interpreter what would be the mom’s motivation to come forward now and ask for her kid back? Was it money? Or was it genuine? Our interpreter very astutely stated this is by far, the BEST situation for little S’s life and we need to look forward, not back. She felt the mom was simply uneducated and was given bad advice by someone to come forward now. She also felt that during the testimony, her lies were so blatant that she simply didn’t have even enough education to understand what was being asked in court. She also said if she was really interested in S, she would have approached us directly, with some emotion and would have tried to start a dialogue with us. She would have visited him in the orphanage, etc. I’ll have to agree, her behavior was not what I expected.

We now move on from this into the 10 day waiting period. I’m still not celebrating until this period is over. We will return to the U.S. on Sunday after taking care of some business in Kyiv, then I will return again, after the 10 day period is over. We desperately miss our Gavin! We are so sad little S has to go through yet another separation and more waiting time but we were assured our friends at the orphanage are taking special care of him for us.

Das-vi-dan-ya (goodbye) until trip #3!

"WE NEED LOTS OF THIS!"
(Donetsk is an industrial city with many mines and steel factories. These pictures were taken in a steel sculpture garden.)

Holy mackrel! Is this what the miners do in their spare time?

Hopefully justice has been served in our case (as soon as Scott gains some weight!!)

In some respects, removing Excalibur was easier than our adoption case.

Our favorite Ukrainian restaurant in Donetsk!

Scott and his quail egg salad.

Gavin, I'm making these for you and S for breakfast....traditional apple crepes!!

MORE PLAY TIME

2011-03-23T14:33:00.000-07:00

WEDNESDAY MARCH 23, 2011

Today it rained and was cold but we got hot and sweaty in the orphanage playing soccer with “S”. We brought him a ball and it was Papa and “S” in a game of keep away from Mama. This kid never gets tired and is going to be a terror on the soccer field. He’s small, fast and can dribble around anyone (he also plays dirty!). I brought some of Gavin’s old clothes for him to try on since we cannot take any clothes away from the orphanage when he leaves with us. I brought various sizes from 4-7 and found he’s about a size 5 or small boys (top & bottom) and a size 12 kids shoe. He loved the cargo pants I brought and refused to take them off after trying them on for size. I think he liked them because they have lots of pockets where he can squirrel away goodies! Today I popped 2 bags of microwave popcorn (which I brought from the States since you can’t find it here) and shared it with the kids. “S” is super popular now with the other kids at the orphanage due to the “shwag” he gets from us. They call him by his last name (like he’s a teenager or something) when we approach, asking him to bring them some candy, etc. when our visit is over. Although it was drizzling, the kids were all outside playing. I’m bringing lots of Sidewalk Chalk next time since I saw kids writing on the asphalt with tiny pieces of chalk and rocks.

We spent time today asking “S” some questions. I intend to put this information in a “Lifebook” I’m making for “S”, sort of like a baby book you’d make for your child. Here’s our conversation;

Us: “S”, do you know that when we go to court, you’ll be given a new name to use in America?”

S: Da (yes).

Us: Remember us talking about Andris Shevchenko and what a great soccer player he is? You are a great soccer player too so we would like to name you after him. The name Andris in English is Andy. It means “man or warrior” which you are too! Your new name will be “S. Andrew Schork”. Do you like that?

S: Da.

Us: Now we want you to take some time and think about what you want to be called when you get to America. You can go by “Andy” or “S”, whatever you choose.

S: Andy.

Us: Are you sure? You can think about it?

S: Andy.

So Andy it is! We also learned his favorite color is red, but he didn’t have an answer for what his favorite dessert is or for what he wants to be when he grows up. He also doesn’t know when his birthday is. We'll make sure he learns it this year since we’ll have a party to make up for all those he’s missed. And you’ll all be invited!! We also found out who is his favorite caregiver here at the orphanage (we will take her picture) along with his (current) best friend.

Tonight we tried a Ukrainian restaurant for dinner which has become my new favorite! I’m a borscht addict now and order it whenever I can. The borscht at this restaurant was excellent – as were the traditional garlic rolls it’s served with. We were also given an appetizer of thin slices of salted lard with sliced fresh garlic. You dip these in a sort of sour cream sauce (not my favorite). Horse jerky was on the menu (sad). I had a traditional health drink called Honey Kvass made with fermented rye bread and honey (it was OK). Scott ordered an excellent stew served in a dark bread bowl and we also had a local favorite, cabbage rolls (yum)!

Although we’re having fun on this trip, it’s sure hard to be away from our kid back home!

Thank God for Skype!

THE RIGHT CHOICE

2011-03-22T14:37:00.000-07:00

TUESDAY MARCH 22, 2011

Today was just another day in paradise! Our morning was spent playing with uber cute little “S” in the orphanage. We brought Hex Bugs, an airplane set we used to talk to him about his eventual trip to the U.S. , hand-held tether balls and a bunch of other toys. We hopped around with this rabbit nose on and acted like goofballs!

Big brother Gavin bought some cool candy for “S” which I gave to him today. They are called Lite Bugs and include little light up chop sticks that illuminate gummy bugs you pick up and place in your mouth. He had fun with these and insisted on feeding a few to Scott and I. We also brought the laptop and showed “S” pictures of the kids on our block. He quickly learned Justin, Sean, Scott H. and Bryan H.’s names and pointed them out on subsequent pictures. He was really happy to see pictures of the tire swing and hammock in our backyard. Overall, he seems very excited to come with us and start his new life with new friends (this kid is so brave!). I am putting together laminated sheets of Russian words for the neighborhood kids so they can communicate with him immediately.

We received an email just a few days ago from someone asking us if we’re sure we want to go through with this adoption, citing others they know who have adopted from Ukraine and are now having behavioral problems with their adopted child. This made me think of an interview I heard on NPR before I left. Michael Oher (the football player who was the subject of the movie, The Blind Side) was interviewed about his new book, I Beat the Odds. If you haven’t seen the movie, I highly recommend it! It’s a great family movie about a black teenager who is adopted by a white family in the South. This kid just needed a second chance and is now making millions, playing offensive tackle for the Baltimore Ravens. The whole point Michael Oher is trying to make in his book is, “don’t stigmatize kids in orphanages or the foster care system.” He was one of 12 kids born to a crack-addicted, alcoholic mother and a father who was eventually murdered in jail. Growing up in the slums of Memphis, he repeated both first and second grades, attending eleven different schools during his first nine years as a student. He was placed in foster care at age seven and alternated between living in various foster homes and periods of homelessness. He played football during his freshman year at a public high school in Memphis then applied for admission to Briarcrest Christian School at the perchance suggestion of acquaintance who knew the headmaster there. At this point, he knew his chances of being adopted were extremely slim given he was a black, teenage male from the slums. But this is where Leigh Anne and Sean Tuohy, a couple with a daughter and son attending Briarcrest, stepped in. They allowed Oher to live with them and eventually adopted him. The family began tending to his needs after becoming familiar with his difficult childhood. They also hired a tutor for him, who worked with him for twenty hours per week. See Leigh Anne’s “Two Words” video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-8es7H-IvyU&feature=related

Michel Oher is an extraordinary human being who was simply born into a crappy situation. All he needed was a second chance to become a contributing member of society.

So yes, there are definitely issues in Ukrainian society, namely alcoholism that can result in fetal alcohol syndrome (FAS). But there are also lots of great kids stuck in orphanages here who just need a second chance to realize their full potential. I know it because I‘ve met them. We are purposefully adopting an older kid in order to help a kid with low chance of ever getting adopted (most people want babies and only 20% of Ukrainian orphans over 5 are adopted). BUT, we also went into this journey with our eyes open and did our due diligence. I believe the onus for doing this lies with the adopters. I read TONS on this subject before we began this journey. We decided beforehand what we could handle and what we couldn’t in terms of medical issues, knowing that all adopted kids have suffer from some psychological issues due to trauma of separation and institutionalization. We then were clear with our agency regarding what we were looking for. We’ve mobilized the forces back home to help us do this (psychiatrists specializing in orphan trauma/attachment disorders, adoption medicine doctors, FAS specialists and ESL educators). I did tons of research and networking for resources and support. It wasn’t easy since none of this information is in one place, plus the approach to foreign adoption is rapidly changing in this area; the current trend is to require adoptive parents do much more pre-adoption education and have pre-adoption counseling, along with the child when they come home, in order to nip problems in the bud. One professional used the mechanic analogy to explain this to me, stating a sign in an auto repair shop reads, “Labor= $100/hr. ($150/hr if it’s been going on for a while and $200/hr if you’ve already tried to fix the car yourself).”

Given all this, part of international adoption is still a leap of faith. This is the juncture we’re at. No going back now, but I feel as confident as ever we’ve made the right choice!

CARPE DIEM!

2011-03-21T17:44:00.000-07:00

MARCH 21, 2011

Today (Monday), the first day of spring, the sun was shining and we woke up ready for our preliminary court hearing. As you’ll recall, this hearing was regarding the separation of “S” and his now 18-year-old sister.

Prior to this, we visited “S” in the orphanage late yesterday afternoon. Our driver pulled into the empty parking lot and WHO do we see walking to the office but our little man! I think we both opened the car doors while the car was still moving, jumped out and swung little “S” around in our arms. He had on a HUGE smile! The first question he asked was, “Where is Gavin?” We told him Gavin had to go to school and could not come. He hugged us again and couldn’t stop smiling….. neither could we. We had brought 3 hot pizzas and drinks for the kids. Since it was a sunny day, all the kids were outside playing. We asked the young woman who was supervising them to tell the kids in his wing we had pizza and drinks for them. They all eventually made it upstairs and the party started. I’m always amazed at how polite these kids are! Nobody touched the pizzas but all asked politely if they could have a piece and patiently waited until I broke slices off onto napkins. My Easter egg hunt proved very exciting too! When I showed them the bag of eggs with “konfetti” (candy) in them, the kids went wild! Scott had a hard time containing them all behind a door while I hid the eggs all over the playroom and one of the dorm-style bedrooms. I counted to 3 then they all began scurrying for eggs and eating Hershey kisses with the wrappers on (which I grabbed, literally, out of their mouths, and unwrapped). Jellybeans were another American invention they quickly became accustomed to. We also passed out 50 glow-in-the-dark bracelets to about 15 kids……which quickly disappeared. I began asking “where did all the bracelets go?” Soon I was taken by the hand into the bedroom by one young boy and lead to his “cabinet” near his bed. Here he showed me his stash. Now I thought “S” horded………...this kid had him beat by a mile! Not only did he have most of the bracelets which were glowing like the neon lights of Vegas, he had multiple pizza crusts, my entire package of Wet Naps and about 6 Easter eggs in there! I asked him to please share the bracelets and he said “nyet” with a silly grin at first, but then sheepishly gave me back a few to redistribute. I asked him “Why Wet Naps?” He shrugged with his same sweet smile. Later on I saw him pull a girl from another floor into the room and present her with a pizza crust, wrapped up in a greasy napkin, like it was a coveted gift. I love when I witness the sweetness of the soul of a child. These kids have so little but still rejoice in giving. We left right before dinner (oops, nobody’s hungry) and told “S” we have a big day planned tomorrow.

This morning, we picked up “S” and drove to the courthouse. Our translator/agency contact, Lana from the first trip, was back with us. We love her bubbly personality and positive outlook on life! She prepped us well for what she thought the judge’s questions would be. Many of the Ukrainian judges are women yet, men are the ones requested to speak in court. So Lana and I quizzed Scott during the entire 40 minute drive. We picked up “S” who was all decked out in black slacks and a nice sweater with a red turtleneck underneath. He looked so handsome! We met the rest of our party at the courthouse (the sister and her social worker, the Inspector from the local Adoption Commission, the jury which consisted of 2 very friendly women and a representative from the orphanage). We had to wait about 1 hour for our case to be heard. During this time, little “S” sat very patiently, I was so proud of him! I tried reading him a book which I had transliterated (thank you Lena!!) about a boy being adopted and the parents going to court to talk to the judge. In the book the little boy accidently belches in court! “S” was very entertained and giggled – at least he shares our family’s sense of humor and will probably love Scott’s tasteless fart and booger jokes that are not far off in his future ;-( After about 50 minutes, I fed him some Whoppers left over from the Easter egg hunt and Scott finally pulled out his cell phone so he had some time to improve his Brick Breaker Game. Finally, our case was called and we all filed into the courtroom, along with the prosecutor. The room was spartan with only a gold Ukrainian insignia decorating the mint green walls. On one side of the small room, was an even smaller rebar cage, I assumed held bad guys during criminal trials. On a wooden riser at the front of the room sat the judge, a nice looking woman about my age and the court reporter. Scott, “S” and I sat scrunched together with Lana on one of the benches, very close so we’d be able to hear her whispered translations. The judge began reading the case and the Prosecutor began writing furiously in a notepad. This scared me even though Lana had put us at ease by letting us know it is customary to have a prosecutor play “devil’s advocate” to insure both sides are heard in each case. Scott was asked a few questions and so was I (yippee!) and I tried to answer in Russian when I could. We were basically asked to confirm things in our file and asked if we trusted everyone in the courtroom. We answered “yes.” Scott was then asked how we plan to communicate with the sister over the long term. He answered via email, phone, Skype and that we will have her visit as soon as she is able to leave the country. Then the Prosecutor called the sister to the stand and asked her many questions about why she couldn’t take “S” (she has no money, no means to care for him, no place for him to live, plus she wants to start college). She also asked the sister about the mother’s other daughters (“S”’s half sisters), who we learned are 14 and 2 years old. In the end, since the mother’s rights were taken by the court in 2007, there is nobody to care for “S”, the judge ruled in our favor. But wait, we’re not out of the woods yet! The Ukrainian system seems to wants all parties to unanimously agree, so the judge requested an updated resolution from the Adoption Commission, stating “S” can now be adopted. The plan is to receive this on Friday and have the actual adoption hearing then. We will keep our fingers and toes crossed and be knocking on A LOT of wood until then! After Friday, a 10 day appeal period will begin. Barring any unforeseen circumstances, on day 11 little “S” becomes ours!! I told Scott I would start celebrating with him on Friday (since we did no celebrating on our last trip). We read about families cracking open bottles of champagne on the train ride back to Kyiv last time and were very jealous!

We hope the next few days are just quiet play days for us at the orphanage with “S”. No news is good news in our case!

SUNSET NEAR THE ORPHANAGE

ARRIVAL IN DONETSK

2011-03-21T09:17:00.000-07:00

MARCH 20, 2011

Scott entering our flat.

We arrived safely in Donetsk at 7 AM this morning and settled into our flat. We spent last night on the overnight train from Kyiv and the previous night in Kyiv since our flight came in too late for us the catch the train. It’s a balmy 34 degrees Fahrenheit here and sunny….…woo hoo, it’s warm! We are not even wearing our long johns. The snow is virtually gone which gives the city a very different look than last time. People are out in the parks walking their dogs, jogging and babies aren’t bundled up in 200 layers of clothing, completely immobilized like they were in November (we called them baby loaves). We’ve already been shopping and stocked up on groceries. The trip seems like it will be much easier this time due to our familiarity with the city, our favorite restaurants, grocery stores, contacts here and my improved command of the language. One new thing Scott discovered today at the grocery store was that beer is sold in 2 liter plastic bottles! Now that’s a lot of beer! No, he didn’t buy one.

Today at 3 pm we go visit “S” – we can’t wait!! On the weekends (today is Sunday) we get to see “S” and all his friends up in his wing of the orphanage. Therefore, I’ve loaded up 36 Easter eggs with candy so we can have an Easter egg hunt. We are sending this blog from a pizza parlor where we are waiting for 3 large pizzas to bring to the orphanage along with soda, as a special treat for all the kids!!! (I’m sure their teachers will love us ruining their dinner and loading them up with caffeine……..he, he, he!). We’re also bringing a small gift for “S” ‘s teacher who has been teaching him English for us. We’re going to give all the kids the pictures they took during our last trip. I’m sure they’ll be thrilled to see themselves since they loved hamming it up for the camera.

Our preliminary court hearing is tomorrow morning. We have our fingers (and toes) crossed that all goes as planned. We haven’t told “S” what is going on until we get more information and can make a timeline for him.

We’re happy all of you in California are safe now from the radioactive plume! We’ve found a German TV channel that broadcasts the news in English so we’re up on everything. This is the longest we will be away from our son, Gavin. We sure miss him but know he’s probably having the time of his life with his cousins and our neighbors.

I’ll blog more once we get the internet hooked up in our flat on Monday.

Paka! (Bye!)

On our balcony

SECOND TRIP FINALLY HERE!!

2011-03-17T02:19:00.000-07:00

Hello again!
We are excited to leave today for our second trip to cold Ukraine. As you know, our first trip revealed that "S" had a sister who was also in the orphanage system. Officials would not allow us to separate these siblings. Since our last trip, she has turned 18 and is no longer in the orphanage system. This may allow us to proceed with our adoption of "S". We are also excited meet "S" 's sister again and are looking forward to talking more with this lovely young woman, getting to know her and helping her out financially in Ukraine.
Since our last trip we've been communicting with "S" weekly via a translator over the phone. One of his wonderful teachers in the orphanage has been teaching him English. So far he's been able to tell us, "Hi.", "It's winter here." and "Can you bring me a cell phone?" Ha! That last one is going in our "Funny Kids' Sayings" book at home. Why does every kid on the planet want a phone?!

I'll be blogging daily once we are in our flat. Last time I heard many people had trouble getting my blog as an RSS feed after subscribing. Our agency has helped us with this problem with this blog watcher's tip;

How do you know when a post is added? RSS updates have been unreliable. Here’s a tip: Set up your own blog page, just for tracking blog updates on Blogspot. You can do that within 5 minutes. In the Design tab you can see the blog layout with “Add a Gadget” on the right column. Add the gadget for “Blogs I’m Watching”. Then add the URLs of all the blogs you want to track. Whenever a blog on your list is updated with a new post, it will show up at the top of the column with a time indicator. Just hit this page to check for updates and it is easy to see who has updated their blog and how long ago the entry was posted.

One request I have of all of you is to keep us posted regarding the potential cloud of nuclear fallout heading for the West Coast. We don't have CNN here and English newspapers are not the easiest things to find where we are. If all of you start driving east will someone please take our son and dogs with them? ;-)

Coming Home!

2010-12-18T15:49:00.000-08:00

18 DECEMBER 2010

Hello All;

We just arrived home today after a 52-hour trip back to the States and I haven't had Internet access for a while. We are not coming home with our son so we are disappointed but still hopeful. On Thursday Parliament postponed discussion of the foreign adoption moratorium until next week. Based on this and other factors, we will be coming back to the Ukraine in a few months.

We visited “S” continuously for 21 days while we were here and gave him a big Christmas gift before we left on Thursday. Saying goodbye to him left our hearts heavy.

Thanks for all your prayers and support. Email me personally for more information.

CHRISTMAS IS COMING!

2010-12-14T15:30:00.000-08:00

This is a picture of the Opera and Ballet Theater about 1 block away from our flat. Taken yesterday at 4:30 pm.

Nothing much has changed with our daily routine, so I haven't been blogging. We are anxiously awaiting the vote by Parliament on Thursday regarding the possible moratorium on adoptions which will help elucidate our path.

It's been snowing lately which has lengthened our daily trip to the orphanage to about 1 hour each way. It's amazing how gridlocked this country becomes with snow - all the trucks pull over and line up along on the side of the road, waiting for it to be either plowed or improve. We saw one jack-knifed truck which has been sitting off the road for 2 days now.

We have been having GREAT visits with "S"! He's always happy to see us, doesn't really want to clean up when it's time to go but always runs back to his classroom with a smile on his face when we leave. We are getting more and more used to each other and there is no doubt we're bonding just fine! Scott found some great shoes and thick wool socks for him the other day. His current shoes are worn and always fee a bit damp inside and his socks had holes in them. We brought them today and he tried them on but did not want to wear the shoes. I've read about this with orphaned kids; they are used to wearing hand-me-down clothes so aren't used to stiff shoes, tags etc. When I bring clothes for our next trip, I need to remove all tags. Also some orphaned kids have "sensory integration disorder", meaning their brains take more time to process sensory information due to neglect. This is why when we finally get home, we cannot take him out, to say, Chucky Cheese right away.......let alone somewhere like Disneyland! These kids just melt down because they can't process all the new sensory information coming in. They eventually build new neural pathways though. This is why we'll probably be keeping him around the house only for the first month or two.

We love Sundays at the orphanage! There is no school so we get to play with "S" and all of his friends -- it's crazy! We just adore being with all the screaming kids! Last Sunday we brought juice boxes, snacks and the movie "Jumanji" to play on the laptop. I tried to create a "movie day" for the kids, just like our movie nights at home. I tried finding microwave popcorn but it doesn't exist in any store here. Instead I brought chips, cookies, tangerines and bananas. The kids went nuts when I opened the chips....I watched as one little boy grabbed a handful and stashed it under a reclining chair to hide it from the others, then he would reach under and eat his treasure slowly. The kids all seem very happy and love their teachers (who supervise them on the weekends). They all ran off with our cameras/cell phones again and the first people they photographed were their teachers (2 nice young women in their 20's). All the kids constantly came up to us and ask if they could keep various toys we brought (some are very good with the "puppy eyes"). I had to say no to make it fair, but ended up giving each kid a crayon and 1 page from the Shrek coloring book. My little Roma girl was there too- she wasn't really into watching the movie but instead grabbed my Russian/English flashcards and motioned me to teach her English. I was amazed at her initiative. She repeated each word after me with her cute accent. She's the one who also loves cats and begged to keep the cat doodle pad we played with last time. Unfortunately I couldn't do this - it just killed me to say no! I finally caved and snuck her 2 of my finger puppets she had been playing with (Little Red Riding Hood and the Wolf). I indicated I wanted her to hide these since toys get taken away from the kids (understandably, since there is no way the small staff could keep track of individual possessions). We snuck into her dorm-style bedroom to her cabinet near her bed where the kids have their tooth brushes and one personal item (remember "S" 's stuffed animal he kicked around the room?). In her cabinet was a cute, red, little-girl purse with gold trim. I motioned to her we could hide the 2 puppets in there. She eagerly opened the snap and pulled out a bunch of carefully folded pieces of paper with writing on them, placed the puppets in the purse, then replaced the papers on top. I wonder what the papers said? She also took a Wet Wipe from me I had used on her hands, folded it up and wanted to keep it too! I said "No - garbage". It's so sad what these kids value. I pray she finds a home someday.

Ukrainians like to use a variety of diminutives for their kids. Those of you who know me well, know all the pet names I have for Gavin - my sister-in-law, Suzanne makes fun of me for this (huh Bryan & Sasha?). Well my behavior hasn't stopped. I first began calling "S", "my angel" (moy an-gil) , then "my sunshine". Then I read some other pet names somewhere and began using those (my rabbit, my little pigeon, my crumb). This got me some weird looks from "S" and laughs when I used them in front of the orphanage Asst. Director. I guess these 3 names are reserved only for spouses/boyfriends/girlfriends. OK, now I know!

Today we brought glow sticks to our play date with "S". They were a HUGE hit as he had never seen them before. We made a fort out of blankets and tables/chairs in the playroom and had a ball with the glow sticks. Scott spotted a mouse running across the floor, then up under the slip cover of a chair while we were playing. Everybody watched as I carefully tippy-toed across the room to the chair to lift off the slip-cover to see if I could reveal the mouse. "S" yelled out, "Mama is a cat!" in Russian. Scott & Gavin were very happy since they were immediately able to translate what he said (No......I did not find the mouse). Today we noticed "S" is calling me "Mom" now, copying Gavin, instead of calling me "Mama" as he did last week. I get sick to my stomach each time I think that we may have to leave this cutie over here longer than we want to. We're still keeping the faith that everything works in our favor to get him home!

We're slowly becoming less apparent as expats around here. I was pleased to be presented with a frequent buyer cards at our favorite bakery and grocery store (fridges are small here, so we go there all the time). Many of the locals we've gotten to know here are very kind, once you break through the stony exterior. Nobody makes eye contact or smiles on the street, even if you smile at them. I've also noticed Ukrainians are extremely well dressed people. Even in this snowy, icy weather, you'll still see most women wearing 2 inch spiked-heeled boots (no wonder they don't smile!). (Hi David, I stole this line from you! ). Once they find out we are from California, most of them ask if Arnold is still Governator. I then have to explain what being a "lame duck" is and Jerry Brown.

Gotta go! Tonight we are downloading some Christmas caroles on iTunes to play during dinner. We miss everyone back home!

FROM GAVIN TO HIS FRIENDS

2010-12-09T04:07:00.000-08:00

Gavin knows some of his friends are reading our blog so he wanted me to relay some information.

We are all missing the Chrirstmas decorations going up back home. Here in Donetsk they are decorating too, but the lights are just now being put up. Here, they celebrate Eastern Orthodox Christmas on January 7. They celebrate on this day since this is the first day the Wise Men arrived to give Jesus gifts (thank you Dr. Govers for educating me on this;-)). Here Santa (known as Grandfather Frost) wears a long, red robe and gives gifts with the help of his granddaughter, who wears a light blue dress with white trim. Here is a picture of them:

Christmas Eve is called ‘Sviaty Vechir’ (Holy Evening). Generous amounts of tasty foods are usualy prepared for dinner and there needs to be at least 12 different foods on the table. A traditional food is ‘Kutia’ -- prepared from cooked wheat and a special syrup containing diluted honey, grated poppy seeds, raisins and sometimes walnuts (I'm definitely getting the recipe for this one!).

They are erecting a huge Christmas tree in the town square here. They've been working on it daily for 1 week, sticking real limbs into a metal base that's about 40 feet tall. We hope it's done soon so we can go take a picture next to it.

The similarities to back home is that EVERYTHING is on sale! The stores are trying their best to get in the black this year here as well! The big toy store we found where we buy "S" most of his toys is getting more and more packed and had a 25% off sale yesterday.

Another thing Gavin wanted me to say is he will be making a list of soccer terms in Russian so all the kids on our block(s) will understand little "S" when he gets home and can play soccer with him. Here's an example:

Ball = Myech
Goal = Gol
Pass to me = Mney!
Corner Kick = Kor-nir
Shot/Hit/Kick = U-dar

We miss all of you back home!

Jingle All The Way,
Gavin, Dani & Scott

STILL HAVING FUN WITH "S"

2010-12-09T04:05:00.000-08:00

MONDAY-WEDNESDAY, 6-8 DECEMBER 2010

This is the toilet in the orphanage and also represents most public toilets you'll come across here. No toilet paper, soap or hot water. For families coming after us don't forget lots of small packs of disposable Wet Ones and Kleenexes!

I'm not blogging a lot these days since our routine has remained much the same as we wait for word from our interpreter/contact. He works on our case here with the beauracrats, to get things moving, then goes back to Kyiv to work on other cases while we're waiting for things to happen. He returns about once a week for 1-2 days. Things move VERY SLOW here. We're mostly on our own but we don't mind! We visit "S" daily and with each visit we are getting closer. We love this kid more and more and he gives us harder hugs each time before we leave. Today he gave us 2 hugs a piece! We can also tell he has a good sense of humor. We get a great work out each morning since he never wants to stop playing soccer. Today we also had a tickle fight then everybody decided to dog pile on me! He's still eating like a monster - today we brought a special treat..a cherry pie from McDonalds. It was gone within 5 seconds along with the 2 tangerines, a cup of yogurt, a juice box and some potato chips (bacon flavor are the most popular here..hey don't knock em until you've tried em!). I also found a hacky sack yesterday at a tiny store I discovered just by chance. This kid's an expert dribbler but had never seen a hacky sack before. Had to show him how to use it. We also taught him "Duck, Duck Goose" today. Since I didn't know the word for Goose, it became "Duck, Duck, Parrot". He picked up on it immediately then wouldn't stop playing. We also played Freeze Tag which I think he has played before. He's fascinated by anything electronic and begged and begged me for the small calculator I carry in my purse. I had to say no but told him we'd buy one and bring it to him tomorrow.

Even though he sure plays dirty soccer, we also have to remember how fragile he is. Today he crashed into a chair at the orphanage when we were playing soccer. I knew he was hurt since he was holding his head and not moving but did not cry. I tried to comfort him but he waved me away. When we FINALLY get home with this guy, you'll notice me making a big deal over every single scraped knee, twisted ankle or bruise he receives - it's part of bonding with him and showing him how much we care and that we'll always be there for him. Many kids in orphanages don't cry when they need something...since crying doesn't get them anywhere due to the high ratio of kids to caregivers. They have learned not to cry. So we have to TEACH him that we care about him and will protect him.

GOOD WEEKEND!

2010-12-06T12:12:00.000-08:00

SAT & SUN, 4 & 5 DECEMBER, 2010

This weekend we visited “S” both days. Weekends are much different than the regimented weekdays we’ve observed at the orphanage. Upon checking in at the office, we were told to head up to his room on the3rd floor of one of the buildings. We entered his half of the floor and were met with 12-15 smiling faces! Many kids were taking showers and running in and out of the bathrooms with wet hair. “S” finished his shower and came running into the room where we were waiting for him and gave us all a big hug! His hair was still wet – all the boys here have the same very short buzz cut (I’m hoping they let “S” ‘s hair grow out a bit since he’s going to be adopted). I felt his feet and his socks were wet and cold. I took off my socks (my favorite Golden Retriever socks, mind you) and put them on his feet then rubbed them until they were warm. We also brought him a new warm jacket. The zipper doesn’t work on his current jacket and when we go outside and he holds our hands, his jacket flies open, letting in the bitter cold wind. He seemed pleased with the jacket but more excited about the other things we brought; a new plastic ball to play soccer, our portable DVD player with a kids’ movie, a “Wax Tap” calendar (the local soccer team from Donetsk), a Shrek coloring book and some foam airplanes. We went through the Wax Tap calendar and looked at the players month by month, as I explained this would go up in his new room in America. As he began playing with the toys, a few of the other kids hesitantly milled around the open door to the playroom. I motioned them to come on in and play and they did. They loved all the toys and quickly dove into the big black sack I carried everything in. “S” was so generous, sharing candy with all his friends and showing them all the toys. The big hit of the day was the camera and our cell phones. First “S” grabbed our Canon and went around taking pictures of all his friends, then he showed them Scott’s cell phone and how it takes pictures. Everyone wanted in on this so one by one we let each child take a picture with the phone.

There were only 3 girls on “S” ‘s floor that we saw. Overall, there are fewer girls up for adoption in Ukraine than boys. One of the girls had beautiful red hair (which is prized in Russian/Ukraine) and the other girl looked to be of “Roma” origin (Romania, Bulgaria, etc). I’ve read that kids of “Roma” origin sometimes are not given as much attention at orphanages than other children since they are thought to be of “gypsy” origin. I was drawn to this darker girl. She seemed shy yet kept peering into the playroom where we were, from behind the door. I tried offering her a candy but she said no. Finally, with some coaxing, she acquiesced and said “spa-si-ba”. I motioned her to come play but again she said no. So I picked up an extra coloring book we had and a few crayons and went into the room she was in. She was elated about coloring and chose to color a unicorn. I then brought in 2 kids’ doodle pads, one of how to draw cats and one of a dogs. She chose the cat one so I tore out a few pages of the instructions and gave her some blank sketch paper for her to keep, along with the coloring book and crayons. Her face lit up! She was able to follow the steps for drawing the cat perfectly and stayed exactly in the lines with the coloring book. As we were leaving, she was the only kid who was on the ground with me cleaning up. What a sweetie - I want to take her home too!

We are trying to cut down on all the candy we bring to the orphanage so this weekend we decided to bring grapes, bananas and tangerines. I cannot get over how much “S” eats! He immediately wolfed down a huge banana then half of the one I was eating, a tangerine followed by about 20 grapes. He loves Scott’s fiber bars and rifles through our backpack for them immediately upon arrival. He still hordes all the candy we give him in his pockets.

We now know why “S” stated earlier he was scared of Gavin’s size. Scott witnessed one of the bigger boys pummeling one of the smaller boys in the head to get him to give up a balloon. The smaller kid quickly gave it to him, then they went back to playing together. Aside from this incident, I’m amazed with the manners, positive attitude and aptitudes these kids have! I have not seen any children with any of the physical signs of fetal alcohol syndrome I read so much about here. This is one of the better orphanages in that all kids (who are older than 7) go to school on the premises and the people who run this particular orphanage seem to be extremely dedicated to these children. During the weekdays, it’s so quiet here….…all the kids are in class and it’s hard to believe there are at least 100 kids here since we hear and see nothing as we walk from building to building to take “S” to and from the playroom. When we do see kids, it’s in the lobby of the office building, if they are going to and from class or lunch. They always are smiling and say “Ciao” to us. When I’ve offered them a piece of candy, I always hear “spa-si-ba!” (Thank you!). I’m sure they are thinking, “Why “S” and why not me?” I hope they understand it is nothing against them. It’s just fate we were presented with “S” and that he is a perfect fit for our family! I hope a time will come for each of them when they can have a mama and papa of their own.

If any of you reading this are considering adopting, David Avilla, our facilitator, is highly recommended. Even if you are NOT considering adopting or are not sure, David’s main business is running a hosting program over the summer for Ukrainian orphans. He always needs host families. The kids come to the Bay Area for 2-3 weeks and attend a “summer camp” type program during the day. Check out his website on my right sidebar.

Tonight we went out to our favorite Ukrainian restaurant (called “Three Fat Guys”) and saw “Chronicles of Narnia”, as part of our Russian language immersion program ;-). It was fun but we always comment how much MORE fun it would be with little “S”.

GLIMMER OF HOPE

2010-12-03T10:32:00.000-08:00

FRIDAY, 3 DECEMBER, 2010.

Today we've overcome some obstacles but more still loom on the horizon. We're not at liberty to discuss the details at this point. Our return date is now most likely Dec. 17-18.

Today was our best bonding day ever with "S". He spontaneously began using the English word "pass" (as in "pass the ball to me") in our game of soccer in the playroom. Today he drew, painted and read a few pages out of his Ukrainian school book to us today. Although he speaks Russian, he reads Ukrainian. From my perspective, he reads very fast for a 7 year old. Our interpreter confirmed he reads very well also.
Thankfully my friend Val got me some Ukrainian tapes (thanks Val!) so I am a bit familiar with the language and could understand some of what he was saying. We've all been learning Russian, since that is the language that is most widely understood here. But the closer you go to the west side of the country (away from the border with Russia) Ukrainian predominates and some people don't appreciate you speaking Russian at all! An article in a local paper I was reading today, was about how Ukraine is starting a movement to have Ukrainian be accepted as the national language versus Russian (many still despise the years of Soviet occupation).

It seemed like "S" really opened up to us today. We're all getting more comfortable with each other. Maybe a weight had been lifted from his shoulders since he made the decision to go with us.

SNOW DAY, SAD DAY

2010-12-03T10:06:00.000-08:00

THURSDAY, 2 DECEMBER, 2010.

Gav, looking out our kitchen window at the snow.

It snowed today in Donetsk. We learned of some major setbacks today also. Our hearts are still warm for "S" though, and we all keep his well being in the forefront of our minds. Bringing him home is our objective. We will not give up.

Today, I'm reminded of an old Ukrainian proverb which states, "Things will get better......somehow."
Hope this is true.

MAJOR PROGRESS!

2010-12-01T08:58:00.000-08:00

WEDNESDAY, 1 DECEMBER, 2010

Evidently things went OK yesterday afternoon for Dmytro’s second visit. This morning we were picked up and taken to the Inspector’s office (the person who handles the paperwork on the orphanage side). We picked up the Inspector in our car and all of drove to the orphanage. We were seated in the Asst. Director’s office. “S” entered wearing the same oversized black suit, especially for us. He had been crying but stopped upon entering the room. We offered him a Kleenex. After blowing his nose, one of the caregivers came in and sat “S” on her lap. She was very animated and spoke to “S” in fast Russian, translating some of what she was saying for us. She said he has a best friend, Nichols, at the orphanage, he likes to write and draw, he LOVES football (soccer) – we nodded our heads approvingly- and especially loves a certain player named Andryis. I chimed in, “Andryis Shevchenko?” “Da, da!” was the emphatic reply from those in the room. I had been reading about this Ukrainian soccer superstar in a local Ukraine/English magazine I purchased last week. He’s the captain of the Ukraine soccer team and a studly player who hopes to lead the team to a win in 2012 when Ukraine sponsors EURO 2012, the Super bowl of European Soccer, in preparation for the World Cup (he’s also very cute which is why I spent so much time on the article ;-).

The irony of this is yesterday, we were out for dinner, discussing what American name to give little “S” (his real name would be too hard to pronounce back home). I suggested many names which Gavin and Scott quickly dissed. When I said “Andy” and told them about the cute soccer superstar I read about, we instantly all agreed to this name! What a coincidence that little “S” actually worships this guy! Anyway, the caretaker’s questioning continued as she slowly worked in questions about living in the US and if he would like it – would he like to have pets? (he LOVES parrots! Thank God for Chucky). Would he like to have a mama, papa and brother? Slowly I think “S” was coming around. He did mention that Gavin was BIG and that he was scared of him (although we never saw any evidence of this when we were playing. In fact, little “S” liked to throw the ball at Gavin’s legs as hard as he could – Gavin did nothing but laugh. Gavin’s also been very good about showing him how to use the I-Pod and praising him when he pushed the right button). Scott and I think this fear may come from him being bullied by bigger kids in the orphanage. I had Dmytro translate to him, “Gavin will never hurt you at all! He will never be mean to you. He will ONLY protect you.” He seemed to understand and acknowledge this. He then must have agreed to be adopted by us since they walked him over to the other side of the desk and showed him a piece of paper with some writing on it. He was asked to copy the statement written on the paper. He wrote the statement carefully in beautiful Ukrainian handwriting (even though he speaks Russian) then signed it. We then all went off to the playroom for some fun time! As we were walking to the playroom, a group of darling, smiling boys, all dressed up for school, said hi to us in English. One boy stopped, grabbed “S ‘ s ” arm, whispered something in his ear and looked at us. I would have paid good money to know what he said! Maybe “S” WAS now a source of black market Skittles and M& Ms.....

We played for only 30 minutes since we needed to return to Donetsk to have some documents notarized. We had the afternoon off again so we hit the local McDonalds and fed some pigeons our leftover fries. Today wasn’t the day to be outside since it was 18 F, so we went back to our apt. and relaxed. We were all happy about the outcome of our day.

There is one more hurdle to cross in this journey, which Dmytro is working on this afternoon. “S” has a sister who is 16 years old in another orphanage. She’s in a school where she’s learning a trade and I believe will be emancipated next year. We’re not being given too much information on her relationship with “S”, but we DO know that “S” does not even know her name. Still, she needs to give her consent to this adoption also. Details are still sketchy so stay tuned.

N.B.,

At 7:30 tonight we received a phone call from Dmytro. He has received verbal approval from the sister! He said she was crying on the phone but DID agree to allow “S” to be adopted. I wish there was more we could do for her. Who knows……she may have helped raise “S”. We’re just not set up to adopt at 16-year-old too. I will put my thinking cap on; there’s got to be something we can do to help her as well.

ONE STEP FORWARD, TWO STEPS BACK

2010-12-01T08:30:00.000-08:00

TUESDAY, 30 NOVEMBER, 2010

Today our daily routine remained mostly the same; Get up around 7 am, have breakfast. Our driver picks us up around 8 and we head out to the orphanage to see “S” from 9-11 am. Get back in the car to be driven back to Donetsk by noon were we usually wander around and find a place to eat lunch out. Then go shopping for toys for “S” or walk around until 3:30 PM when the sun sets and it gets cold. We go in and Scott watches soccer on Ukrainian TV while sampling yet another Ukrainian beer, I blog, work on my Russian Rosetta Stone lessons or read, Gavin does his homework or plays video games. It’s a bummer we can’t Skype you guys in the evenings (our 8 PM is your 6 AM). Sometimes I cook but last night we got take-out from a great Ukrainian deli we discovered. Gavin had a “mystery breaded thing” that turned out to be a delicious type of Perogi (mashed potatoes and meat, breaded and fried). I had a beet salad and Scott ate a pork chop. Sometimes we’ll watch one of the videos we brought then go to bed (we’re getting TONS of sleep here since we don’t have all the projects/responsibilities, etc. we would have at home). We’re all asleep by 9 or 10.

The good news about today was that Dmytro was back from Kyiv to help us by translating at the orphanage and getting things moving with the paperwork. The bad news was that little “S” was a bit apprehensive when they asked him if he wanted to be adopted. One of the things we need, is “S” ‘s written and verbal agreement to be adopted by us. When we first arrive at the orphanage, we usually meet with “S” in the Asst. Director’s office then go off to play for a few hours in a play room. We’ve been having terrific times with him and it’s all fun, smiles and laughter in the play room! This morning we sat in the Asst. Dir.’s office and “S” entered, wearing a black suit over his flannel shirt and pressed black dress slacks. He looked so impressive! He also had on an oversized parka that didn’t zip up in front, which made him look smaller than he already is. He sat down next to me and we all exchanged “hellos”. Dmytro then asked “S” pointedly if he’d like to go with us to America. ”S” sat silently. I tried comforting him by rubbing his back intermittently (not sure if this comforts or bothers him since he doesn’t respond. He’s not cuddly, which is very common among kids in orphanages who have experienced neglect early in life). He didn’t answer Dmytro’s question right off. Instead he stared down at his hands. He held his black knit cap in his hands and nervously folded it over and over again into a perfect accordion pleat. “S,” gently stated Dmytro again. “Do you want to go to America with Dani, Scott and Gavin? You can have a mama, papa and brother,” said Dmytro in Russian. “But I already have a mama,” came a small voice from somewhere inside the layers of the jacket. “S" ’ s bio mother had come and visited him once at the previous orphanage he was in. Since then there’s been no contact. “But you understand that your mama abandoned you,” said Dmytro softy. “Da.” (Yes) answered “S”, as he kept nervously folding his cap and not making eye contact. “S,” Dmytro said to try and get his attention again, “Why don’t you want to go with Dani and Scott and be part of a family?” After a few moments of silence, “S” said quietly, “I don’t know.”

I tried to imagine the weight of this decision on those small shoulders. This kid’s been shuffled around, he’s confused because he finally feels at home at this orphanage. He had friends here and the caretakers are some of the warmest people I’ve met, (anywhere). He gets time to play, goes to school on the premises, has a warm bed at night……this is a good reality for him. Also, I think anyone would want to be back with their mama, regardless of how bad the situation was. Did he really understand what was going on back at age 5 when he was separated from his Mom? What a heavy decision to make at age 7. I wish there was some way for me to assuage his pain and fear but there was not. This child would need to learn to love slowly. He wasn’t even able to respond to my touch at this point.

One thing I observed during this tough interchange was his emotional intelligence. He acted a bit embarrassed to say "no" in front of us. It showed empathy. I took this as a positive sign. Furthermore, I think any child who would say yes right away and jump into our arms may only be bonding superficially and may never succeed in bonding fully. Of course I was nervous now, but tried to maintain a positive, objective perspective.

Dmytro decided not to press on with the questions. He decided to come back later this afternoon, talk with “S” again as well as some of his favorite caregivers, to see if they could help explain to him what was going on and help him understand this WAS a good decision. He may also confide some of his fears to the caregivers, so we may learn more about his apprehension. I decided to leave the little picture album of our home (with captions in Russian and English) with “S” so the caregivers could have an idea of who we are and read it to “S”. I wrote his name in Russian on the front cover and handed it to him.

As far as the people we’ve talked to are concerned, there is NO future here for this child. The Ukraine is a poor country (average annual salary is $2,700 US dollars). There is a HUGE disparity between the rich and poor. The people are very hard working but the country is still on rocky political footing and becoming a member of the EU is not an option yet. We were torn by knowing that taking him away is the right thing to do..…but would he agree?

We all left the office and little “S” lead us up to one of the play rooms in another building, for our 2 hour play period. We had another great time drawing (he draws cats VERY well), doing more dot-to-dots and playing soccer with some makeshift goals. “S” called Scott papa and me mama today during our play time. He continued to shove entire KitKat bars, along with other goodies, into the breast pocket of his oversized suit when we offered him candy. We wondered what he’d be trading these for later on the “black market” of the orphanage! The Asst. Director joined us for about an hour. She sat in the corner with a big smile and talked to “S” while we played, prodding him along and explaining how fun it would be to play with us every day. I brought a book with me, “Welcome Home Forever Child” which shows a family of cats who adopt a cat-child. They show the parent cats kissing the boy cat’s knee when he falls down and blowing out candles on his birthday cake. The Asst. Director quickly joined me on the floor and began interpreting the book to him. When we left he was all smiles and gave me the biggest hug of all! We love this kid!