MORE PLAY TIME

WEDNESDAY MARCH 23, 2011

Today it rained and was cold but we got hot and sweaty in the orphanage playing soccer with “S”. We brought him a ball and it was Papa and “S” in a game of keep away from Mama. This kid never gets tired and is going to be a terror on the soccer field. He’s small, fast and can dribble around anyone (he also plays dirty!). I brought some of Gavin’s old clothes for him to try on since we cannot take any clothes away from the orphanage when he leaves with us. I brought various sizes from 4-7 and found he’s about a size 5 or small boys (top & bottom) and a size 12 kids shoe. He loved the cargo pants I brought and refused to take them off after trying them on for size. I think he liked them because they have lots of pockets where he can squirrel away goodies! Today I popped 2 bags of microwave popcorn (which I brought from the States since you can’t find it here) and shared it with the kids.  “S” is super popular now with the other kids at the orphanage due to the “shwag” he gets from us. They call him by his last name (like he’s a teenager or something) when we approach, asking him to bring them some candy, etc. when our visit is over. Although it was drizzling, the kids were all outside playing. I’m bringing lots of Sidewalk Chalk next time since I saw kids writing on the asphalt with tiny pieces of chalk and rocks.

We spent time today asking “S” some questions. I intend to put this information in a “Lifebook” I’m making for “S”, sort of like a baby book you’d make for your child. Here’s our conversation;

Us:         “S”,  do you know that when we go to court, you’ll be given a new name to use in America?”

S:            Da (yes).

Us:       Remember us talking about Andris Shevchenko and what a great soccer player he is? You are a great soccer player too so we would like to name you after him. The name Andris in English is Andy. It means “man or warrior” which you are too! Your new name will be “S. Andrew Schork”. Do you like that?

S:            Da.

Us:         Now we want you to take some time and think about what you want to be called when you get to America. You can go by “Andy” or “S”, whatever you choose.

S:            Andy.

Us:         Are you sure? You can think about it?

S:            Andy.

So Andy it is! We also learned his favorite color is red, but he didn’t have an answer for what his favorite dessert is or for what he wants to be when he grows up. He also doesn’t know when his birthday is. We'll make sure he learns it this year since we’ll have a party to make up for all those he’s missed. And you’ll all be invited!! We also found out who is his favorite caregiver here at the orphanage (we will take her picture) along with his (current) best friend.

Tonight we tried a Ukrainian restaurant for dinner which has become my new favorite! I’m a borscht addict now and order it whenever I can. The borscht at this restaurant was excellent – as were the traditional garlic rolls it’s served with. We were also given an appetizer of thin slices of salted lard with sliced fresh garlic. You dip these in a sort of sour cream sauce (not my favorite). Horse jerky was on the menu (sad). I had a traditional health drink called Honey Kvass made with fermented rye bread and honey (it was OK). Scott ordered an excellent stew served in a dark bread bowl and we also had a local favorite, cabbage rolls (yum)!

Although we’re having fun on this trip, it’s sure hard to be away from our kid back home!

 Thank God for Skype!

THE RIGHT CHOICE

TUESDAY MARCH 22, 2011

Today was just another day in paradise! Our morning was spent playing with uber cute little “S” in the orphanage. We brought Hex Bugs, an airplane set we used to talk to him about his eventual trip to the U.S. , hand-held tether balls and a bunch of other toys. We hopped around with this rabbit nose on and acted like goofballs!

Big brother Gavin bought some cool candy for “S” which I gave to him today.  They are called Lite Bugs and include little light up chop sticks that illuminate gummy bugs you pick up and place in your mouth. He had fun with these and insisted on feeding a few to Scott and I. We also brought the laptop and showed “S” pictures of the kids on our block. He quickly learned Justin, Sean, Scott H. and Bryan H.’s names and pointed them out on subsequent pictures. He was really happy to see pictures of the tire swing and hammock in our backyard.  Overall, he seems very excited to come with us and start his new life with new friends (this kid is so brave!). I am putting together laminated sheets of Russian words for the neighborhood kids so they can communicate with him immediately.

We received an email just a few days ago from someone asking us if we’re sure we want to go through with this adoption, citing others they know who have adopted from Ukraine and are now having behavioral problems with their adopted child.  This made me think of an interview I heard on NPR before I left. Michael Oher (the football player who was the subject of the movie, The Blind Side) was interviewed about his new book, I Beat the Odds. If you haven’t seen the movie, I highly recommend it! It’s a great family movie about a black teenager who is adopted by a white family in the South. This kid just needed a second chance and is now making millions, playing offensive tackle for the Baltimore Ravens. The whole point Michael Oher is trying to make in his book is, “don’t stigmatize kids in orphanages or the foster care system.” He was one of 12 kids born to a crack-addicted, alcoholic mother and a father who was eventually murdered in jail. Growing up in the slums of Memphis, he repeated both first and second grades, attending eleven different schools during his first nine years as a student. He was placed in foster care at age seven and alternated between living in various foster homes and periods of homelessness.  He played football during his freshman year at a public high school in Memphis then applied for admission to Briarcrest Christian School at the perchance suggestion of acquaintance who knew the headmaster there. At this point, he knew his chances of being adopted were extremely slim given he was a black, teenage male from the slums. But this is where Leigh Anne and Sean Tuohy, a couple with a daughter and son attending Briarcrest, stepped in. They allowed Oher to live with them and eventually adopted him. The family began tending to his needs after becoming familiar with his difficult childhood. They also hired a tutor for him, who worked with him for twenty hours per week. See Leigh Anne’s “Two Words” video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-8es7H-IvyU&feature=related

Michel Oher is an extraordinary human being who was simply born into a crappy situation. All he needed was a second chance to become a contributing member of society.

So yes, there are definitely issues in Ukrainian society, namely alcoholism that can result in fetal alcohol syndrome (FAS). But there are also lots of great kids stuck in orphanages here who just need a second chance to realize their full potential. I know it because I‘ve met them. We are purposefully adopting an older kid in order to help a kid with low chance of ever getting adopted (most people want babies and only 20% of Ukrainian orphans over 5 are adopted). BUT, we also went into this journey with our eyes open and did our due diligence. I believe the onus for doing this lies with the adopters.  I read TONS on this subject before we began this journey.  We decided beforehand what we could handle and what we couldn’t  in terms of medical issues, knowing that all adopted kids have suffer from some psychological issues due to trauma of separation and institutionalization. We then were clear with our agency regarding what we were looking for. We’ve mobilized the forces back home to help us do this (psychiatrists specializing in orphan trauma/attachment disorders, adoption medicine doctors, FAS specialists and ESL educators). I did tons of research and networking for resources and support. It wasn’t easy since none of this information is in one place, plus the approach to foreign adoption is rapidly changing in this area; the current trend is to require adoptive parents do much more pre-adoption education and have pre-adoption counseling, along with the child when they come home, in order to nip problems in the bud. One professional used the  mechanic analogy to explain this to me, stating a sign in an auto repair shop reads, “Labor= $100/hr. ($150/hr if it’s been going on for a while and  $200/hr if you’ve already tried to fix the car yourself).”  

Given all this, part of international adoption is still a leap of faith. This is the juncture we’re at. No going back now, but I feel as confident as ever we’ve made the right choice!

CARPE DIEM!

 MARCH 21, 2011

Today (Monday), the first day of spring, the sun was shining and we woke up ready for our preliminary court hearing.  As you’ll recall, this hearing was regarding the separation of “S” and his now 18-year-old sister. 

Prior to this, we visited “S” in the orphanage late yesterday afternoon. Our driver pulled into the empty parking lot and WHO do we see walking to the office but our little man! I think we both opened the car doors while the car was still moving, jumped out and swung little “S” around in our arms. He had on a HUGE smile! The first question he asked was, “Where is Gavin?” We told him Gavin had to go to school and could not come. He hugged us again and couldn’t stop smiling….. neither could we. We had brought 3 hot pizzas and drinks for the kids. Since it was a sunny day, all the kids were outside playing. We asked the young woman who was supervising them to tell the kids in his wing we had pizza and drinks for them. They all eventually made it upstairs and the party started.  I’m always amazed at how polite these kids are! Nobody touched the pizzas but all asked politely if they could have a piece and patiently waited until I broke slices off onto napkins.  My Easter egg hunt proved very exciting too! When I showed them the bag of eggs with “konfetti” (candy) in them, the kids went wild! Scott had a hard time containing them all behind a door while I hid the eggs all over the playroom and one of the dorm-style bedrooms. I counted to 3 then they all began scurrying for eggs and eating Hershey kisses with the wrappers on (which I grabbed, literally, out of their mouths, and unwrapped).  Jellybeans were another American invention they quickly became accustomed to. We also passed out 50 glow-in-the-dark bracelets to about 15 kids……which quickly disappeared. I began asking “where did all the bracelets go?” Soon I was taken by the hand into the bedroom by one young boy and lead to his “cabinet” near his bed. Here he showed me his stash. Now  I thought “S” horded………...this kid had him beat by a mile! Not only did he have most of the bracelets which were glowing like the neon lights of Vegas, he had multiple pizza crusts, my entire package of Wet Naps and about 6 Easter eggs in there! I asked him to please share the bracelets and he said “nyet” with a silly grin at first, but then sheepishly gave me back a few to redistribute. I asked him “Why Wet Naps?” He shrugged with his same sweet smile.  Later on I saw him pull a girl from another floor into the room and present her with a pizza crust, wrapped up in a greasy napkin, like it was a coveted gift. I love when I witness the sweetness of the soul of a child. These kids have so little but still rejoice in giving. We left right before dinner (oops, nobody’s hungry) and told “S” we have a big day planned tomorrow.

This morning, we picked up “S” and drove to the courthouse. Our translator/agency contact, Lana from the first trip, was back with us. We love her bubbly personality and positive outlook on life! She prepped us well for what she thought the judge’s questions would be.  Many of the Ukrainian judges are women yet, men are the ones requested to speak in court. So Lana and I quizzed Scott during the entire 40 minute drive.  We picked up “S” who was all decked out in black slacks and a nice sweater with a red turtleneck underneath. He looked so handsome! We met the rest of our party at the courthouse (the sister and her social worker, the Inspector from the local Adoption Commission, the jury which consisted of 2 very friendly women and a representative from the orphanage). We had to wait about 1 hour for our case to be heard. During this time, little “S” sat very patiently, I was so proud of him! I tried reading him a book which I had transliterated (thank you Lena!!) about a boy being adopted and the parents going to court to talk to the judge.  In the book the little boy accidently belches in court! “S” was very entertained and giggled – at least he shares our family’s sense of humor and will probably love Scott’s tasteless fart and booger jokes that are not far off in his future ;-(  After about 50 minutes, I fed him some Whoppers left over from the Easter egg hunt and Scott finally pulled out his cell phone so he had some time to improve his Brick Breaker Game. Finally, our case was called and we all filed into the courtroom, along with the prosecutor.  The room was spartan with only a gold Ukrainian insignia decorating the mint green walls. On one side of the small room, was an even smaller rebar cage, I assumed held bad guys during criminal trials. On a wooden riser at the front of the room sat the judge, a nice looking woman about my age and the court reporter. Scott, “S” and I sat scrunched together with Lana on one of the benches, very close so we’d be able to hear her whispered translations. The judge began reading the case and the Prosecutor began writing furiously in a notepad. This scared me even though Lana had put us at ease by letting us know it is customary to have a prosecutor  play “devil’s advocate” to insure both sides are heard in each case. Scott was asked a few questions and so was I (yippee!) and I tried to answer in Russian when I could.  We were basically asked to confirm things in our file and asked if we trusted everyone in the courtroom. We answered “yes.” Scott was then asked how we plan to communicate with the sister over the long term. He answered via email, phone, Skype and that we will have her visit as soon as she is able to leave the country.  Then the Prosecutor called the sister to the stand and asked her many questions about why she couldn’t take “S” (she has no money, no means to care for him, no place for him to live, plus she wants to start college). She also asked the sister about the mother’s other daughters (“S”’s half sisters), who we learned are 14 and 2 years old.  In the end, since the mother’s rights were taken by the court in 2007, there is nobody to care for “S”, the judge ruled in our favor. But wait, we’re not out of the woods yet! The Ukrainian system seems to wants all parties to unanimously agree, so the judge requested an updated resolution from the Adoption Commission, stating “S” can now be adopted. The plan is to receive this on Friday and have the actual adoption hearing then. We will keep our fingers and toes crossed and be knocking on A LOT of wood until then! After Friday, a 10 day appeal period will begin. Barring any unforeseen circumstances,  on day 11 little “S” becomes ours!! I told Scott I would start celebrating with him on Friday (since we did no celebrating on our last trip). We read about families cracking open bottles of champagne on the train ride back to Kyiv last time and were very jealous!

We hope the next few days are just quiet play days for us at the orphanage with “S”.  No news is good news in our case!



SUNSET NEAR THE ORPHANAGE



ARRIVAL IN DONETSK

MARCH 20, 2011



Scott entering our flat.



We arrived safely in Donetsk at 7 AM this morning and settled into our flat. We spent last night on the overnight train from Kyiv and the previous night in Kyiv since our flight came in too late for us the catch the train. It’s a balmy 34 degrees Fahrenheit here and sunny….…woo hoo,  it’s warm! We are not even wearing our long johns. The snow is virtually gone which gives the city a very different look than last time. People are out in the parks walking their dogs, jogging and babies aren’t bundled up in 200 layers of clothing, completely immobilized like they were in November (we called them baby loaves). We’ve already been shopping and stocked up on groceries. The trip seems like it will be much easier this time due to our familiarity with the city, our favorite restaurants, grocery stores, contacts here and my improved command of the language. One new thing Scott discovered today at the grocery store was that beer is sold in 2 liter plastic bottles! Now that’s a lot of beer! No, he didn’t buy one.

Today at 3 pm we go visit “S” – we can’t wait!! On the weekends (today is Sunday) we get to see “S” and all his friends up in his wing of the orphanage. Therefore, I’ve loaded up 36 Easter eggs with candy so we can have an Easter egg hunt. We are sending this blog from a pizza parlor where we are waiting for 3 large pizzas to bring to the orphanage along with soda, as a special treat for all the kids!!! (I’m sure their teachers will love us ruining their dinner and loading them up with caffeine……..he, he, he!). We’re also bringing a small gift for “S” ‘s teacher who has been teaching him English for us. We’re going to give all the kids the pictures they took during our last trip. I’m sure they’ll be thrilled to see themselves since they loved hamming it up for the camera.

Our preliminary court hearing is tomorrow morning. We have our fingers (and toes) crossed that all goes as planned. We haven’t told “S” what is going on until we get more information and can make a timeline for him.  

We’re happy all of you in California are safe now from the radioactive plume! We’ve found a German TV channel that broadcasts the news in English so we’re up on everything. This is the longest we will be away from our son, Gavin. We sure miss him but know he’s probably having the time of his life with his cousins and our neighbors.

I’ll blog more once we get the internet hooked up in our flat on Monday.

Paka! (Bye!)

On our balcony



SECOND TRIP FINALLY HERE!!

Hello again!
We are excited to leave today for our second trip to cold Ukraine. As you know, our first trip revealed that "S" had a sister who was also in the orphanage system. Officials would not allow us to separate these siblings. Since our last trip, she has turned 18 and is no longer in the orphanage system. This may allow us to proceed with our adoption of "S". We are also excited meet "S" 's sister again and are looking forward to talking more with this lovely young woman, getting to know her and helping her out financially in Ukraine.
Since our last trip we've been communicting with "S" weekly via a translator over the phone. One of his wonderful teachers in the orphanage has been teaching him English. So far he's been able to tell us, "Hi.", "It's winter here." and "Can you bring me a cell phone?" Ha! That last one is going in our "Funny Kids' Sayings" book at home. Why does every kid on the planet want a phone?!

I'll be blogging daily once we are in our flat. Last time I heard many people had trouble getting my blog as an RSS feed after subscribing. Our agency has helped us with this problem with this blog watcher's tip;

How do you know when a post is added?  RSS updates have been unreliable.  Here’s a tip:  Set up your own blog page, just for tracking blog updates on Blogspot.  You can do that within 5 minutes.  In the Design tab you can see the blog layout with “Add a Gadget” on the right column.  Add the gadget for “Blogs I’m Watching”.  Then add the URLs of all the blogs you want to track.  Whenever a blog on your list is updated with a new post, it will show up at the top of the column with a time indicator.  Just hit this page to check for updates and it is easy to see who has updated their blog and how long ago the entry was posted.

One request I  have of all of you is to keep us posted regarding the potential cloud of nuclear fallout heading for the West Coast. We don't have CNN here and English newspapers are not the easiest things to find where we are.  If all of you start driving east will someone please take our son and dogs with them? ;-)

Coming Home!

 

18 DECEMBER 2010

Hello All;

We just arrived home today after a 52-hour trip back to the States and I haven't had Internet access for a while. We are not coming home with our son so we are disappointed but still hopeful. On Thursday Parliament postponed discussion of the foreign adoption moratorium until next week. Based on this and other factors, we will be coming back to the Ukraine in a few months.

We visited “S” continuously for 21 days while we were here and gave him a big Christmas gift before we left on Thursday. Saying goodbye to him left our hearts heavy.

Thanks for all your prayers and support.  Email me personally for more information.

CHRISTMAS IS COMING!

This is a picture of the Opera and Ballet Theater about 1 block away from our flat. Taken yesterday at 4:30 pm.

Nothing much has changed with our daily routine, so I haven't been blogging. We are anxiously awaiting the vote by Parliament on Thursday regarding the possible moratorium on adoptions which will help elucidate our path.

It's been snowing lately which has lengthened our daily trip to the orphanage to about 1 hour each way. It's amazing how gridlocked this country becomes with snow - all the trucks pull over and line up along on the side of the road, waiting for it to be either plowed or improve. We saw one jack-knifed truck which has been sitting off the road for 2 days now.   

We have been having GREAT visits with "S"! He's always happy to see us, doesn't really want to clean up when it's time to go but always runs back to his classroom with a smile on his face when we leave. We are getting more and more used to each other and there is no doubt we're bonding just fine! Scott found some great shoes and thick wool socks for him the other day. His current shoes are worn and always fee a bit damp inside and his socks had holes in them. We brought them today and he tried them on but did not want to wear the shoes. I've read about this with orphaned kids; they are used to wearing hand-me-down clothes so aren't used to stiff shoes, tags etc. When I bring clothes for our next trip, I need to remove all tags. Also some orphaned kids have "sensory integration disorder", meaning their brains take more time to process sensory information due to neglect. This is why when we finally get home, we cannot take him out, to say, Chucky Cheese right away.......let  alone somewhere like Disneyland! These kids just melt down because they can't process all the new sensory information coming in. They eventually build new neural pathways though. This is why we'll probably be keeping him around the house only for the first month or two.

We love Sundays at the orphanage! There is no school so we get to play with "S" and all of his friends -- it's crazy! We just adore being with all the screaming kids! Last Sunday we brought juice boxes, snacks and the movie "Jumanji" to play on the laptop. I tried to create a "movie day" for the kids, just like our movie nights at home. I tried finding microwave popcorn but it doesn't exist in any store here. Instead I brought chips, cookies, tangerines and bananas. The kids went nuts when I opened the chips....I watched as one little boy grabbed a handful and stashed it under a reclining chair to hide it from the others, then he would reach under and eat his treasure slowly. The kids all seem very happy and love their teachers (who supervise them on the weekends). They all ran off with our cameras/cell phones again and the first people they photographed were their teachers (2 nice young women in their 20's). All the kids constantly came up to us and ask if they could keep various toys we brought (some are very good with the "puppy eyes"). I had to say no to make it fair, but ended up giving each kid a crayon and 1 page from the Shrek coloring book. My little Roma girl was there too-  she wasn't really into watching the movie but instead grabbed my Russian/English flashcards and motioned me to teach her English. I was amazed at her initiative. She repeated each word after me with her cute accent. She's the one who also loves cats and begged to keep the cat doodle pad we played with last time. Unfortunately I couldn't do this - it just killed me to say no! I finally caved and snuck her 2 of my finger puppets she had been playing with (Little Red Riding Hood and the Wolf). I indicated I wanted her to hide these since toys get taken away from the kids (understandably, since there is no way the small staff could keep track of individual possessions). We snuck into her dorm-style bedroom to her cabinet near her bed where the kids have their tooth brushes and one personal item (remember "S" 's stuffed animal he kicked around the room?). In her cabinet was a cute, red, little-girl purse with gold trim. I motioned to her we could hide the 2 puppets in there. She eagerly opened the snap and pulled out a bunch of carefully folded pieces of paper with writing on them, placed the puppets in the purse, then replaced the papers on top. I wonder what the papers said? She also took a Wet Wipe from me I had used on her hands, folded it up and wanted to keep it too! I said "No - garbage". It's so sad what these kids value. I pray she finds a home someday.

Ukrainians like to use a variety of diminutives for their kids. Those of you who know me well, know all the pet names I have for Gavin - my sister-in-law, Suzanne makes fun of me for this (huh Bryan & Sasha?). Well my behavior hasn't stopped. I first began calling "S", "my angel" (moy an-gil) , then "my sunshine". Then I read some other pet names somewhere and began using those (my rabbit, my little pigeon, my crumb). This got me some weird looks from "S" and laughs when I used them in front of the orphanage Asst. Director. I guess these 3 names are reserved only for spouses/boyfriends/girlfriends. OK, now I know!

Today we brought glow sticks to our play date with "S". They were a HUGE hit as he had never seen them before. We made a fort out of blankets and tables/chairs in the playroom and had a ball with the glow sticks. Scott spotted a mouse running across the floor, then up under the slip cover of a chair while we were playing. Everybody watched as I carefully tippy-toed across the room to the chair to lift off the slip-cover to see if I could reveal the mouse. "S" yelled out, "Mama is a cat!" in Russian. Scott & Gavin were very happy since they were immediately able to translate what he said (No......I did not find the mouse). Today we noticed "S" is calling me "Mom" now, copying Gavin, instead of calling me "Mama" as he did last week.  I get sick to my stomach each time I think that we may have to leave this cutie over here longer than we want to. We're still keeping the faith that everything works in our favor to get him home! 

We're slowly becoming less apparent as expats around here. I was pleased to be presented with a frequent buyer cards at our favorite bakery and grocery store (fridges are small here, so we go there all the time). Many of the locals we've gotten to know here are very kind, once you break through the stony exterior. Nobody makes eye contact or smiles on the street, even if you smile at them. I've also noticed Ukrainians are extremely well dressed people. Even in this snowy, icy weather, you'll still see most women wearing 2 inch spiked-heeled boots (no wonder they don't smile!). (Hi David, I stole this line from you! ). Once they find out we are from California, most of them ask if Arnold is still Governator. I then have to explain what being a "lame duck" is and Jerry Brown.

Gotta go! Tonight we are downloading some Christmas caroles on iTunes to play during dinner. We miss everyone back home!