THE RIGHT CHOICE

TUESDAY MARCH 22, 2011

Today was just another day in paradise! Our morning was spent playing with uber cute little “S” in the orphanage. We brought Hex Bugs, an airplane set we used to talk to him about his eventual trip to the U.S. , hand-held tether balls and a bunch of other toys. We hopped around with this rabbit nose on and acted like goofballs!

Big brother Gavin bought some cool candy for “S” which I gave to him today.  They are called Lite Bugs and include little light up chop sticks that illuminate gummy bugs you pick up and place in your mouth. He had fun with these and insisted on feeding a few to Scott and I. We also brought the laptop and showed “S” pictures of the kids on our block. He quickly learned Justin, Sean, Scott H. and Bryan H.’s names and pointed them out on subsequent pictures. He was really happy to see pictures of the tire swing and hammock in our backyard.  Overall, he seems very excited to come with us and start his new life with new friends (this kid is so brave!). I am putting together laminated sheets of Russian words for the neighborhood kids so they can communicate with him immediately.

We received an email just a few days ago from someone asking us if we’re sure we want to go through with this adoption, citing others they know who have adopted from Ukraine and are now having behavioral problems with their adopted child.  This made me think of an interview I heard on NPR before I left. Michael Oher (the football player who was the subject of the movie, The Blind Side) was interviewed about his new book, I Beat the Odds. If you haven’t seen the movie, I highly recommend it! It’s a great family movie about a black teenager who is adopted by a white family in the South. This kid just needed a second chance and is now making millions, playing offensive tackle for the Baltimore Ravens. The whole point Michael Oher is trying to make in his book is, “don’t stigmatize kids in orphanages or the foster care system.” He was one of 12 kids born to a crack-addicted, alcoholic mother and a father who was eventually murdered in jail. Growing up in the slums of Memphis, he repeated both first and second grades, attending eleven different schools during his first nine years as a student. He was placed in foster care at age seven and alternated between living in various foster homes and periods of homelessness.  He played football during his freshman year at a public high school in Memphis then applied for admission to Briarcrest Christian School at the perchance suggestion of acquaintance who knew the headmaster there. At this point, he knew his chances of being adopted were extremely slim given he was a black, teenage male from the slums. But this is where Leigh Anne and Sean Tuohy, a couple with a daughter and son attending Briarcrest, stepped in. They allowed Oher to live with them and eventually adopted him. The family began tending to his needs after becoming familiar with his difficult childhood. They also hired a tutor for him, who worked with him for twenty hours per week. See Leigh Anne’s “Two Words” video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-8es7H-IvyU&feature=related

Michel Oher is an extraordinary human being who was simply born into a crappy situation. All he needed was a second chance to become a contributing member of society.

So yes, there are definitely issues in Ukrainian society, namely alcoholism that can result in fetal alcohol syndrome (FAS). But there are also lots of great kids stuck in orphanages here who just need a second chance to realize their full potential. I know it because I‘ve met them. We are purposefully adopting an older kid in order to help a kid with low chance of ever getting adopted (most people want babies and only 20% of Ukrainian orphans over 5 are adopted). BUT, we also went into this journey with our eyes open and did our due diligence. I believe the onus for doing this lies with the adopters.  I read TONS on this subject before we began this journey.  We decided beforehand what we could handle and what we couldn’t  in terms of medical issues, knowing that all adopted kids have suffer from some psychological issues due to trauma of separation and institutionalization. We then were clear with our agency regarding what we were looking for. We’ve mobilized the forces back home to help us do this (psychiatrists specializing in orphan trauma/attachment disorders, adoption medicine doctors, FAS specialists and ESL educators). I did tons of research and networking for resources and support. It wasn’t easy since none of this information is in one place, plus the approach to foreign adoption is rapidly changing in this area; the current trend is to require adoptive parents do much more pre-adoption education and have pre-adoption counseling, along with the child when they come home, in order to nip problems in the bud. One professional used the  mechanic analogy to explain this to me, stating a sign in an auto repair shop reads, “Labor= $100/hr. ($150/hr if it’s been going on for a while and  $200/hr if you’ve already tried to fix the car yourself).”  

Given all this, part of international adoption is still a leap of faith. This is the juncture we’re at. No going back now, but I feel as confident as ever we’ve made the right choice!